Broken - but - Blessed

Feelings from left field...

2011-08-18T09:47:00.004-05:00

My facebook status today is "Only a small percentage of people understand how conflicted my soul is on any given day." I chose not to post this part of what I typed as my status... This does not mean I am not joyful, happy, thankful, blessed, living and doing. This also does not make me the strongest person you know, brave, or amazing...I am merely carrying the cross I was given to carry and sometimes it gets heavy...though I'd never lay it down, abandon it, or begrudge it.

I recently had an encounter with a fairly self-centered, neurotic man I know who felt the need to tell me I needed to 'let go' of all this baggage involving my son. Difference between 4.5 years ago and now is that I listened to him rant and tell me 'how I should feel', listened to the hurts in his life, and then responded.

We say all the time in MEND that people are rude, insensitive, and self-centered in their comments and they mean well, but they just don't know. I would like to believe that he meant well. I would like to believe the best in people and their words...but I continually put myself out there and am continually disappointed in people.

Happy Birthday Little Man!

2011-03-30T23:36:00.001-06:00

I can't believe you are 4 years old. I miss you so much every day!

So this 'fourth' year has been pretty rough. I have been trying to put my finger on what is making this year different or more difficult that the last three years and this is what I have concluded...YOU ARE NOT HERE!

The first year - we were grief stricken...every day was dark. Every day was sad. Every day was full of thoughts of what did I do wrong, how could this have been different, what I'd do to hold you one more time and look into your eyes.

The second year was consumed with getting pregnant and then being pregnant. Once we were pregnant with Alex, we were focused on getting him here safely and healthy. It was emotional. With each kick I thought of you. Each time Alex didn't move, I worried. I couldn't sit in your room and think about putting your crib up for another baby. I had to completely redecorate it in the end. We celebrated your 2 year birthday just a few weeks before your brother joined the family. It was hard to be pregnant on your birthday, but it was one of the many things that helped restore our hope. The second your little brother was born, the room was filled with praise as our dear friend nurse Kathy rejoiced with a "THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU JESUS" at his first cry. I know you were there with us that day and I believe you hand picked your little brother to send to us. He is full of joy, peace, sweetness, and kindness. Again, a difficult, but happy time.

The third year we were sleepy, new parents...not much time to mourn. A lot of suppression of our feelings and our longing for you. When the roller coaster forced me on during this year, it was hard, fast, emotion...it would come out of no where, drag me down down down and then I would emerge a little different each time. No better really, but no worse, but totally different. Mother's day this year was HORRIBLE. I cried all day watching your brothers together and thinking about you missing from the mix. Eli is teaching Alex all about you already...it is precious to hear him talk about you and listen to Alex learn how to say your name. It's a precious sound to hear your brothers speak your name!

And then the fourth year has rolled around. I cry a little more often...I think because life has slowed down ever so slightly which allows that darn roller coaster to catch up. I had the realization at the MEND Christmas Ceremony that "THIS" is my life and my life includes having a child in heaven...it includes qualifying simple responses I get about my children because my life isn't so simple...it includes the reward of ministering to others and sharing their burdens...providing comfort...it includes you, just not the way I had planned.

I am so proud that God chose me to be your mommy...but that doesn't change that I would do anything to hold you again and be able to 'mother' you on earth. I trust God and I can't wait until the day I get to see you...but for now, God needs me here. My love for you is endless!!

Love you forever

2010-10-02T01:46:00.001-05:00

If you live in the metroplex, you have hopefully been blessed to see the many beautiful rainbows over the Texas sky following the recent showers. It's a fun challenge to search the sky after each rain to see if a glimpse of heaven will come peeking through the gray skies to remind us of God's promises. Those reassuring rainbows have come in the form of rare double rainbows lately. And with each rainbow, come deep questions from Eli.

Mom - are you going to die? Am I going to die? How do we get to heaven? Why can't AJ come home so I can be his big brother?

If you read back in my blog there was a day shortly after AJ died that there was a post about a rainbow that stretched from one side of the earth to the other. Eli - roughly 3 at the time - said "Look mommy, AJ is sending that rainbow to show us he received our balloons". (We always send balloons up to AJ when we get them at various places.) That moment is a great memory of Eli's sweet innocence. Maybe it's him starting Kindergarten this year, but he has been asking so many questions lately. I started this post 2 days ago, and just last night before bed, Eli burst into tears missing AJ and wanted to look at pictures. My heart sunk! If I can't even comprehend the magnitude of what has happened, how can he? I sat there with tear filled eyes looking at the pictures with Eli feeling like a failure because I couldn't answer his questions. Intellectually I couldn't, emotionally I couldn't, I couldn't say a word to him other than "I love you and AJ and Alex with all of my heart...don't ever forget that!"

Maybe some people think I am crazy for not being 'over it' yet, but those are the ones that don't understand that I will never be 'over it'. Not a day goes by that AJ isn't spoken of in our home. We still hurt and cry. We struggle to answer questions that have no answers. We look at rainbows and hold on to the promise that some day we will see him again.

When your child dies, some things in life become very clear - others not so much. Death seems less scary because I know that it results in seeing him again. Some relationships are stronger and some fade into the darkness of nothingness. We lack answers to questions. Question if God really meant for that to happen...is this really my life now? Who am I now? Who was I then? And of course the "Seriously??" moments that I simply have no words for.

But then...occasionally there is that moment of perfect clarity that I pause and realize that through my weakness, His strength is made perfect and His promises never fail us. These are the moments of amazement that this is my life and wonderful things are a part of it because AJ lived and died.

One of my favorite books is "Love you forever". It's about a little boy that starts out as a baby and grows to a man within 15 pages. As he grows, his mom would always rock him and sing, "Love you forever, like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be". This book makes me cry faithfully every time not only for my living sons, but because as AJ's mom that's the one thing I can do every day for him...love him forever because he'll always be my baby!

Another Dream...

2010-04-04T23:00:00.001-05:00

The intellectual side of me says that dreams are a result of something that is imposing on our subconscious mind. The sentimental, faithful side of me believes that dreams can sometimes be a window into the unknown...occasional glimpses of heaven?

Early Easter Sunday morning I had a dream that I am certain was a message from heaven. My sister-in-law's mother, Bea, passed away in late January after many years of failing health. She was fragile and petite when she went home to the Lord.

In my dream, all of my SIL's family was there...we were there dropping off food. Everyone was happy and doing well. It was current date. As I was leaving out of this house, I stepped down a few concrete steps and Bea was standing there in a tan linen suit, healthy and strong. We embraced as we had the following conversation:

She said to me, "Why don't you ever come visit me?" I replied, "Because it makes me cry." She said, "It's ok to cry." I of course was crying in my sleep at this point.
I asked her, "Is he ok?" (referring to AJ). She said, "He's just fine." I asked her to please hold him for us and she said, "I do every day." I asked her to kiss him and tell him how much we love him...

At this point I woke up sobbing...I cried all day and continue to cry as I type this. It was so real, so vivid! Is it possible that God gives us the opportunity to see loved ones in our dreams to calm our hearts? We of course went to visit Bea today and leave her a little flower and a pin wheel for AJ. Til we meet again in our dreams...

Happy 3rd Birthday AJ!!!

2010-03-30T08:00:00.001-06:00

Your daddy wrote your birthday tribute this year for the MEND newsletter!

Happy 3rd Birthday, AJ!

It seems like just yesterday we were holding you in our arms, wondering how we were going to go through life with such a large void in our hearts. There has not been one day since you went to heaven that Mommy and Daddy have not thought about you. Your big brother, Eli, asks about you a bunch. He tells us how much he misses you and always wants to see pictures of you. He is so proud that he has two little brothers and tells us that is just what he always wanted. We see you in your baby brother‘s smile and the angel kisses on his forehead. Until we meet you in heaven, see you in our dreams. Our love for you is endless.

We love you MORE!
Mommy, Daddy, Eli, and Alex

Adrian Joseph "A.J." Zuckerman
March 30, 2007
True knot cord accident
Parents: Alfredo and Amber Zuckerman
Big Brother: Eli
Little Brother: Alex

This year we will celebrate your birthday with a small family and friends get together at home. As always...our balloon release will be my favorite part of the day!

Grief Revisited

2010-03-18T22:31:00.002-06:00

The MEND Newsletter topic this time is Grief Revisited...I guess you can say there are times I wish grief could go away so I could have time to miss it and have it come for a 're-visit'. It is always lurking in the shadows of my heart...waiting for the most inconvenient time to pop out and send my world crashing. I am thankful for our grief...this is the article I wrote for the newsletter.

"Thankful for Grief"

I never imagined I could be thankful for something like grief. Until our son‘s death on March 30, 2007, our family had been relatively spared by the tragedy of death. Death is an expected part of life, but it is NOT an expected part of birth.

Our grief journey has been full of ups, downs, twists, turns, and at times—all-out crashes! Times of joy, sadness, sorrow, hope, praise, anger, denial, trust and peace. To this day, any number of these feelings can resurface, and back onto the roller coaster we go. The rides are sometimes short with less intensity but always purposeful and sweet in the end as we trust that each moment is part of God‘s plan. With reflection comes appreciation for the lessons learned, friends made, personal growth, and faith strengthened.

Three years later, I find myself healing, but not healed. In fact, I don‘t antici-pate that pain this deep is ever healed; it just becomes part of life, and our cop-ing abilities get better along the way. It is a good part of life. We appreciate things that we might have taken for granted before: a butterfly flittering around at the perfect moment, the birds singing on a gloomy day, rainbows peaking from the clouds, and the delicate snowflakes sent like little messengers of hope. All of this reminding us to ―Be still and know…‖

As we watch our two living sons play on the floor, our hearts ache with the should-have-beens, the wish-it-weres, and the desperate desire to understand the plan. Grief knocks us down time and time again, but we somehow find the strength to get back up and live for the living—while we long for the lost. We are richer because we are the parents of three boys, not two. We are blessed be-cause God chose us to endure the death of our son. To us, every day of our life is a reflection of AJ‘s legacy that brings us one day closer to God‘s promise. Indeed, through it all, we are thankful for grief!

♥ Amber Zuckerman, mommy to Adrian Joseph "A.J.", M.E.N.D.—Dallas

Thanksgiving...

2009-11-23T09:30:00.003-06:00

Have you ever been so thankful that you cry in amazement of God's blessings in your life? As I sit here I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am blessed with an amazing husband and fabulous sons, a home, a car, a good job, wonderful family and friends.

True thanksgiving is being able to see what God has taken away from you and remaining thankful for it.

This year I don't feel much like celebrating the holidays yet. AJ not being here is hitting HARD this year. I don't want to sit around a table on Thursday and have him left out as family talk about what they are thankful for. I don't want to wrap presents for Christmas and not be able to wrap for him.

Maybe it's hitting hard because we have Alex here to see all of that which we missed with AJ. Alex is a joy and we see how happy Eli is being a big brother. He is so amazing with Alex...watches him and protects him. Talks to him and they sit together watching TV or playing on the floor. I guess it makes us sad that Eli had to wait 2 extra years to be able to play with a brother.

I wonder if Eli will resent us for not taking him to the hospital to hold AJ...or would it have been too much for a 2 1/2 year old to take in? He asks so many questions that we can't answer sometimes. Some questions we don't have answers to! As always...it's just one day at a time...one prayer at a time!

MEND Walk to Remember 2009

2009-11-20T14:31:00.003-06:00

The MEND Walk to Remember was so beautiful this year. Despite a few rain drops, we had a lovely time. Here is the slideshow Brittney created to capture the day...

I miss my middle man. This will be our 3rd Thanksgiving and Christmas without him...that makes me sad!!

Yes God, We are listening.... :)

2009-10-01T08:58:00.004-05:00

This week has been pretty emotional as we approach the Walk to Remember. Guess I'm due for a good cry. I have really been missing AJ lately. I have been blessed to see his life making an impact in the world through my work with MEND and that fills my heart with Joy.

I have been working on fund raising for the Walk and collecting donations for the raffle. We went to eat one night at Black-eyed-Pea and I decided to drop off a request letter while I was there. I usually would ask for the manager and go through my speech "My name is...2 1/2 years ago our son was born still at 39 weeks due to a true knot cord accident...we are members of a non-profit organization in the area and we host a ceremony each year...would you like to donate?" However, for some reason I simply handed the letter to the lady who seated us and asked her to have the manager come over if they were interested in donating. We ate and left assuming that they just simply were not interested.

2-3 weeks later, on a Saturday morning, I received a phone call from the BEP manager. She began the conversation with "I don't know what to say". This struck me as odd since it seemed easy to me - either you want to donate or you don't. I was quickly brought to tears as she proceeded to tell me that her niece had just had her baby girl 3 days earlier, born with Trisomy 18 and died 3 1/2 hours later. She said that she had come in to work after having been off for a period of time to find my letter on the desk that 3 managers share, unopened, waiting for this opportunity to surface. A God moment!

She and I proceeded to talk for about 45 minutes instantly connecting as if we had been friends for years. As we talked I stood outside a local shopping strip and a butterfly flew around and around. To me it was like AJ was right there doing the "Donkey" from Shreck - "Look at me...See what I did Mom...He picked me!!"

He picked me...I don't know why God picked me to endure this heartache, but that day I had a glimpse of the awesomeness of God. If I solicited to those 75 to 100 businesses in the DFW area to have His message reach this one family, then I am OK with that.

I am so blessed to be able to recognize the good that has come from AJ's death. I could easily!! allow myself to wallow in self pity, cry myself to sleep each night, and essentially give up, but that is not what God's purpose is for my life. His purpose is for me to use my talents to help others. And as a friend told me earlier this week, He knows that I am not afraid to meet a stranger and that I will spread His word. I would have never chosen to give my son the way that He gave His, but I am thankful to see that there is a purpose for Him taking AJ home too soon.

Mommy loves you AJ!!!

Somewhere in the Middle

2009-08-02T11:24:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite songs is "Somewhere in the Middle" by the Casting Crowns. Somewhere between the hot and the cold, somewhere between the new and the old, somewhere between who I am and who You're making me, somewhere in the middle you'll find me.

For me this song follows the pattern of grief as we learn to live the new normal without AJ. One second hot or cold...sometimes the new or the old...and always between who I was and who He's making me.

Friends come and go, but we had a couple of friends that went when AJ died. They stepped up to help us plan his funeral, take care of Eli in the immediate days, and then they slowly went away. About a year after AJ died, I couldn't stand the lack of closure for the friendship and so I called her up and asked her to lunch. We sat awkwardly making small talk for a while and when the conversation afforded the opportunity, I asked point blank "What happened? What changed?" Her knee jerk reaction was "People change"! I replied "you're right - WE did change." We haven't spoken since.

God made the decision to change us the day he called AJ home. Unlike some people who may make a conscious decision to change something about themselves, we didn't get that choice. We were catapulted into a devastating life change that forced us to redefine who we are and why we are here.

Who we are? We are people that hurt on some level everyday. We are a mom and dad that miss our son deeply everyday but must keep on going. We are the parents of 3 beautiful boys - two on earth and one in the arms of Jesus. Our true friendships are raw and without pretense. We are more reserved...more loving...more understanding...more empathetic.

Why are we here? I don't ask God the question 'Why did you take AJ?' I don't feel that He owes us an explanation. I wonder what does He want me to do with this new path He chose for us? I work everyday to share our story with someone with hope that I am making a difference in some way. We are here to honor AJ's life and the change he made in our lives.

We grieved the loss of these friends from our lives for a long while hanging on to hope that they would come around and we could have the type of relationship we had before AJ died. All the while we had received closure just a few months after he died and just didn't realize it. It came in an email and it read, "We want to be supportive, but feel that the subject is too much for our daughter, and honestly, the rest of us too, is to much to handle emotionally. I hope that you understand our reasoning for this, we really do want to support you and pray that you all receive strength and love."

Our true friends and our family are there with us through the constant change we endure.

Hello...it's me...

2009-06-25T22:34:00.002-05:00

It's been a while. I've forgotten how busy it can get taking care of an infant and now I know what it's like to take care of an infant and a 4 year old. Alex is getting big and had brought back some much needed joy to our lives...the unconditional kind...the innocent kind...the peaceful kind.

That said, the hurt hasn't gone, we just have less time to focus on it. It's usually late at night when the world is quiet and we are holding him that the memories of what is missing creep in. We find ourselves wondering what life with 3 boys on earth would be like. Would Alex even have had the opportunity to make us smile if AJ had lived? We find ourselves wondering if we could try for another.

As with all things, revelation comes with time. When I named this blog Broken-but-Blessed, I was in the trenches of grief. I never imagined smiling again, laughing again or trusting again. Over two years later, I am still broken, but mending. I have found that through being so broken, our blessings abound. God uses me - sometimes boldly, sometimes subtly - to share our story and help others.

I know I've spoken on the topic of surrender in previous posts, but I find that it really is the key. God needs us to surrender, to trust His plan, to "Be still and know". That is a very hard lesson to learn.

I am blessed to know that I must trust Him. I am not in control. I have a constant reminder that no matter what I think I want to happen, I can't control it. I am not perfect. I don't' go to church every Sunday. I don't read my bible like I should. I can't quote bible verses or stories. I don't know all the answers. But I do know to trust in the promises of God (I have these posted to remind me...I don't know these by heart).

" 'Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you...Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.' " - John 14:27

"...The saying that is written will come true: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' " - I Corinthians 15:54

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.' " - Isaiah 41:13

"This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him." - I John 4:9

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." - I Corinthians 15:57

A family from MEND lost another sweet daughter this week just less than a year from when they lost their other daughter. I can't imagine their heartache. If I had the right to ask God "why" I would. but instead I turn to prayer for them that He will show them His plan through all of their heartache. I pray that they will find the strength to trust God again should they try again to have a child. I pray that God shows them His mercy and grace like none other. I pray that their hearts will be able to find the joy that comes with the innocent smile of a child. I pray for their peace.

I have recently had a few people say that I should speak to groups of people and share our journey. I think that I would enjoy doing that...I'm praying that God directs my path to the right audience and time.

I'm sending you to your bible for the last promise on my mind tonight... John 11:25, 26. I believe!

Update...

2009-05-24T00:29:00.002-05:00

Visit our family blog for an update on Alex. We are doing good. Have a million things swimming in my head to blog about, but no time to actually do it. Having Alex has brought joy, happiness, memories, what if's and what should have beens to the surface. He is a perfect blend of AJ and Eli...we are so thankful to have our new addition here safe and sound!

Will write more later...

Alexander Isaiah Zuckerman

2009-04-20T20:05:00.009-05:00

I'm proud to announce that after almost 40 weeks, Alexander Isaiah has come into this world! What an amazing miracle from God! Baby Alex is 7lbs and 8oz and I'm not sure on length yet because he hasn't been whisked away to the nursery for his bath the last I heard from the happy parents. The family is all doing well and Big Brother Eli is so in love with his new baby brother! I know those two will be best friends.
I'll let Amber tell you her side of the story, but from this end it was truly an honor to witness such an awesome event. Thank you Amber, Al, Eli AJ and Alex for the opportunity to capture this moment that is just too precious for words. I hope I've done it justice!
Love,
Jenn

Big Brother Day

2009-04-20T05:44:00.007-05:00

Today, Eli and AJ will be come big brothers...officially! We can't wait to post pics of our new hand-picked baby brother.

I was thinking last night about how when someone in a family dies, we feel like we have an automatic 'in' with the Big Man. A direct line if you will. In my mind, AJ was able to tell God all about what he wanted in a little brother as if he was born out of a Build-a-Bear workshop or something. We will see how that works out when the terrible 2's hit. LOL :)

I have a level of peace this morning that God's newest plan - though it may not be my plan - is at work. One thing about losing a child, is I have learned more about surrender than I could have ever imagined. I am still strong willed and stubborn...but I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I don't have control over anything...and with that surrender comes peace. Now we must hold on to the peace and pray for strength.

I was writing a card out to a dear friend the other day and this verse was at the bottom...funny - actually - because I was heavily in the midst of false contractions and praying that God would just send me into real labor already so I could get him here. I know that in some ways induction is helping along the process today, but I believe that God put it on the hearts of my doctors to move up the induction from Friday to today for some reason. This verse not only hit home because of it's meaning, but Alex's middle name is Isaiah and to me it was yet another instance of God reminding me to "Be still and know..."

Isaiah 40:31
'But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.'

This is my focal point of the day.

AJ's Nursery Pics...

2009-03-31T19:09:00.001-06:00

See post from 2-18-09...I finally got pics posted of AJ's nursery before we repainted. We aren't quite done yet with the new room...I'll post those soon. :)

Happy 2nd Birthday AJ!

2009-03-30T22:04:00.005-06:00

What a beautiful day your birthday turned out to be! I have been praying for a 'non-rainy' day, and my prayers were answered. We always plan a family holiday for AJ's birthday...and well - being 35 weeks I couldn't travel, so we decided to stay close and go to the Fort Worth Zoo. It was a beautiful day. We traveled the paths of the zoo for about 3 hours. I bench hopped and people watched while Eli and daddy went to explore the inside exhibits. We always wear our MEND t-shirts on AJ's Birthday . I secretly hope that someone will ask so we can share his story. A lot of people stare, but we are yet to be asked. Maybe next year. :) Admiring the turtles...I love these moments!

That is THE sweetest look ever!!!! (both the birds and E's expression)
I missed this exhibit, so glad daddy had the camera!Gotta love the elephants! Good thing I didn't wear gray...I'd blend in!

We finished the day with family and close friends coming over for dinner, cake and a balloon release. I absolutely love everyone coming together to write a special message on balloons to send up to AJ. The love, hugs and fact people remember him with us on his birthday make us so happy. I will post pics of the balloon release soon...gotta figure out how to get them off of the camera onto this new machine. Daddy will have to show me the trick! :)

Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I overheard Al and Eli sitting in the office at the computer. Al was looking at an email from my Uncle Joe regarding fallen soldiers. It showed the American Indian rituals that are performed for those fallen soldiers. This email sparked questions from Eli about where AJ was buried. I heard Al trying to explain to Eli that AJ isn't buried, but instead cremated. Eli said he didn't remember what AJ looked like. Al pulled up the pictures and began talking to Eli about AJ and going through the pics. Al started to cry a little and Eli said, "Are you crying because you miss AJ? Sometimes I cry too when I miss AJ."

My heart was sinking listening to them. I truly regret not having Eli come up to the hospital to hold his brother. We thought it would scar him for life, but in hind sight, probably not. He is such a wonderful, insightful little boy. Such a gentle loving spirit. I can't wait to see him with Alex and how he interacts with him. He is always kissing and rubbing my stomach telling Alex he loves him. It should be an exciting month coming up as we meet AJ's handpicked little brother. ;)

The last heartbeat...

2009-03-26T13:47:00.005-06:00

It was 2 years ago today that I last heard AJ's heartbeat. I'm sure I've posted about it before, but today it is really resounding in my memory. I decided Alex and I needed donuts this morning with our orange juice to be sure that he stayed moving all day strong so I can feel him. That he is. :)

I hope I never forget the look on Dr P's face when he listened to AJ this day 2 years ago and paused and said, "Isn't it the best thing you've ever heard?" Dr P mind you is a mellow kind of doc and he truly marvels in the the awesomeness of the sound of a heartbeat and the miracle of life. I believe that it's a large part of why my heart ached for him to find out that AJ had died when he returned to town that weekend.

I have friends through MEND who actually saw their baby's heartbeat stop on a sono. I don't know if I would want to know the exact moment or not...? I do believe that he died in the early morning hours of March 27th, but I'll never know for sure. And that's ok. Our story was written just the way God intended for it to happen. I have to trust Him and His plan though we may not like it or agree with it.

I have so many people who tell me that they admire my strength and faith. I don't see myself as anything special or remarkable. I am thankful for my core faith beliefs because if I didn't have those, I would be lost right now. My strength comes from Him...in the flesh - I cry, I'm weak, I'm fragile...still 2 years later I never know what will release my pressure valve and will cause me to lose it. The void is real...keeping my focus on God is my way of dealing with the pain and the physical void in our family.

On another note...I'm sure everyone has see the "I Am Second" billboards by now. On Monday of next week there will be 2 billboards placed in the DFW area by an atheist group saying things like "Don't believe in God? You're not alone." I believe to each their own...I'm not one to impose my beliefs on someone else. But I found great humor from a DJ this morning that said the next billboard will read "I Am First - because there is no one else". I can only imagine how lonely that would be to not have a relationship with God and have to endure life without His grace and strength to carry you when you need him most.

Thank you mom for being sure that God was a part of my life growing up. :)

34 weeks now...38 weeks then....

2009-03-22T07:02:00.004-06:00

As we near AJ's 2nd birthday, I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to live through the month of March without counting days. Maybe last year because it was his first birthday...maybe this year because I'm pregnant again....but I count the days until he died - literally torturing myself in some ways with the thought "at this time 2 years ago, he was alive". Everything was still ok at this time 2 years ago.

Yesterday, 2 years ago we had a baby shower for him at work...it was a rainy morning that day, but full of love and excitement for him. 9 days later it was again a rainy morning, full of sadness and pain because he died. Oh how I pray for sun on March 30th this year. I need to wake up that morning and see all of God's beautiful creations glistening under a beautiful sunrise. But as life has taught me in the last 2 years, it will be what it will be that morning and what it is, will be what it's supposed to be.

I say this with wishful thinking on my part, but I hope that we will induce Bubble Jack at about 38 weeks. I fear reaching the 39th week since AJ died at the 39th week...although, Eli was born fine at 39 weeks. Oh the psychosis of a paranoid, heartbroken, excited, fearful, proud mother! I know the odds, the statistics, the reality...but emotions - coupled with hormones - usually win the day. I count every kick wondering if it's the last...I laugh with every hiccup and attempt to implant the memory of it in my mind in case it's all I get...I try to live each day appreciating the aches and pains of pregnancy because it's an experience some never get. For all of the craziness I go through on a daily basis, I am thankful for it all because without AJ, I would probably not have such a rich appreciation for all that I am dealing with. Odds are, Bubble Jack wouldn't be on the way without AJ's life story being what it is. I do believe all things happen the way He intends for them to happen...and through the psychosis of March, I know I have no control over any of the coming weeks. I can only pray my way to the finish line with a sweet tender angel looking over my shoulder whispering - "mommy-it will all be ok."

Returning to the scene...

2009-02-28T21:28:00.002-06:00

With only 7ish weeks to go until Bubble Jack makes his grand entrance (hopefully), I have began to get a little panicked about returning to the hospital. So, I called the childbirth educator that taught us almost 5 years ago when we were pregnant with Eli. She quickly agreed to meet us at the hospital and allow us to tour in private and get some 'face time' with the L&D department. She also packed Eli a "big brother" bag full of helpful things just for him as he embarks upon his new journey of having a baby in the house.

As we rounded the corner in the L&D department, my heart began to sink. All the memories were so fuzzy I wasn't sure where which room it was or how I would react. There was an empty room right next to the room AJ was born in. Heart pounding, we entered the room and looked around. Eli began with 20 questions...I was thankful for that. We looked around several rooms and down the hallway in which they moved us after we left the L&D room.

I said a prayer for the families in each of the rooms we had been in. The doors were closed to both rooms...thank you God. I don't think I want or need to see inside those rooms again...maybe that will change, but I don't think I could have handled it today. We stood there outside of the nursery and shared AJ's story with Kathy. The conversation led to AJ's picture and - of course - I quickly pulled out my cherished pictures of him to show off. Hearing Kathy's comments about how beautiful he was made my heart happy, yet a painful reminder of reality. I think it was equally hard for daddy to be there and be reminded of those first moments. Even after almost 2 years, we are proud parents and it hurts that we can't hold him and share him like any other proud parent. I do love it when we get the opportunity to share AJ's story and show off his pictures. I had that opportunity twice this week and I have to admit, I share it with great pride each time!

We also ventured to Babies-R-Us for the second time since AJ died today. I have identified a few things that we could use for Bubble Jack once he arrives, so I started a registry. We also found a few newborn outfits to choose from for him to wear home from the hospital. Something new - all his own. :) I start going to the doctor weekly this week for non-stress tests. I don't really know what that entails yet, but I will find out soon enough. Bubble Jack is very active and when he is not, he often gets woken up by his paranoid mother.

Eli is excited. I am exhausted and ready, but otherwise doing ok. Daddy is doing everything to take care of me, baby and Eli.

My best Buddy Sawyer...

2009-02-18T15:01:00.009-06:00

AJ's best buddy Sawyer turned 2 on Saturday. Thankfully we were able to spend this year's birthday with him - (last year - mommy just couldn't handle it). I can hardly believe that in a few weeks AJ will be 2. We have survived 2 years without him...now we just have to make it the next 60. We gathered a few balloons from the party, wrote a message on them and sent them up to AJ so he could celebrate with us. Eli released them and they got caught in the tree...LOL - Nene said that meant that AJ wished he was here too. Chris got them down for us and we re-released them. They drifted in the sky for several minutes. It was nice.

That is Batman for AJ.

Again, maybe it's just the hormones, but I have been getting choked up lately when I think about the enormity of our life. Daddy painted over my beautiful mice, stars and moons from Eli & AJ's nursery a couple of weekends ago. As hard as it was to go in that room and imagine a new baby with us, it has been equally hard to watch it disappear. I think it will get easier as I get it decorated and as we get closer to the day of Bubble Jack's arrival. A fresh start for him. :) He deserves that...we need it...it all works out in the end.

I will post pics of the new nursery after I get it all decorated, but for now, here are pics of the stars, moons and mice nursery...

Seriously? Get Over Yourself...

2009-02-01T09:15:00.004-06:00

I have been attempting to gather all of the items for AJ's scrapbook and put them in sequential order so that when I have a free moment, I can accomplish a page or two so that maybe I can at least get caught up to today. I'm amazed at how much stuff I have for him. :) I guess I have saved every thing because I don't want to forget anything.

Well - I've indeed forgotten some of what happened the weeks after he died. I mostly remember crying and sleeping. I remember planning his funeral and being with Al. I remember friends and family rushing in to take care of everything we couldn't think of to take care of. I still feel the crushing sadness when I allow myself to return back to those days.

So, I called upon my brothers & sister-in-laws (via email last night) to help me remember a ceremony that was planned at the catholic church for AJ on April 11, 2007. I can't remember much. I don't remember if anyone had their camera or not. I can't remember anything that was said except when the Priest came over to offer his condolences and told Al & I to not keep AJ's ashes for very long...to 'get rid of them'. I STILL don't understand that and if anyone can help with that one, please do!! And I remember the sweet young man in the youth that saw us leaving and asked us to stay to pray the Chaplet of The Divine Mercy on the rosary. I remember feeling at peace during that prayer.

About a year ago, some of the siblings in Al's family had a squabble and have not been speaking. I was always taught to forgive and forget when it comes to family because family is all you got! So I don't understand this long standing BS...but anywho. So I got an email back from DSIL that stated very tersely, "Sorry but I wasn't aware of that ceremony, therefore, I didn't attend." She was there, she helped with the flowers and some of the other things...I can't remember what - hence the email! But SERIOUSLY...get over it already people! Our son is dead and you selfish people can't see past the end of your nose to understand that life is short and precious and you don't get to choose when it's gonna end. WAKE-UP! Make up - forgive - forget! We are all family!

I know nobody in the family reads this blog - and if they do and they continue to act this way - then it's just a pity. If they do read this then they should know that living life for us is a daily hurt. Something in the core of our being is missing and we can never get it back. We find joy, we make our own happiness...but it will never be what we thought it would be. We will never 'get over it' or fake a smile to make someone else feel ok about the fact that AJ is not here. One of the things that make us happiest is when someone can tell us how AJ's life has been a testament to how they changed their life or how watching us walk our daily life and keeping his memory alive has made an impact on them. I'm just so sad that our own family can't recognize how much that would mean to us.

And yes I have been crying for 3 days now... :)

22 Months Old...

2009-01-30T21:14:00.001-06:00

Let me just fall apart for a minute...

So January 30th fell on a Friday. I thought that I was 'over' my whole aversion to Thursday's and Friday's, but not so much as here I sit in tears. (AJ was born on a Friday, but we found out he died on a Thursday - seems like everyone dies on a Thursday in my world.) For so long after he died I dreaded Thursday's and Friday's - especially if they fell on the 29th and 30th. I can't imagine how I will react the year that his actual birthday falls on a Friday again. Katie bar the door - Lord help us all on that day.

So here I go falling apart on another issue...Bubble Jack is technically due on April 30th. A Friday...preceded by a Thursday...one month after his brother died. Dr P will think I'm crazy if I try to explain my paranoia to him about this...Millwood here I come. I am not typically a superstitious person, but I want this experience to be fresh and new and just Bubble Jack's. I feel like if it all fell just like this, my fear would overrun me and I would not be able to enjoy the day.

And since I'm being selfish...I have a few friends who are expecting at the end of March and I am a little nervous that they will have their baby on March 30th...AJ's day. I know millions of people have their Birthday on March 30th, but I don't know any of them...I want March 30th to always be his day and no one else's that I know. Maybe part of me doesn't want to be happy on that day for someone else when I ache for our son. I know those are all things out of anyones control and I will be happy for my friends no matter when their baby comes, but that was just a moment of my selfish ranting...

The bottom line to all of this is that I miss my baby. Who would be a big boy of almost 2 years old in just 2 months. Walking, talking and driving his big brother crazy. Just the way I thought it was supposed to be. Reality does bite!

3 boys

2009-01-21T17:28:00.003-06:00

I am sitting here creating a blog for my cakes. Something that is LONG overdue and no doubt a daunting task based on the shear number of cakes I have made at this point. As I sit here, baby boy #3 is bouncing up and down on my bladder jamming to his big brother's favorite band - ZZ Top - and probably wondering when his mother is gonna get a grip?

Maybe I'm hormonal, maybe sleep deprived due to this horrible cold I have, maybe nervous/anxious about his arrival, maybe I'm just a regular old certifiable crazy lady...but the tears are often uncontrollable when I think about the BIG picture of our lives. The fact that we are about to have 3 boys...what would it be like to have 3 boys running around? As painful as it is - the fact is that this little miracle growing right now would not have been an option if AJ hadn't died. We had no plans of having more than 2 children.

Scanning the cluttered desk before me my eyes met the scripture "...I am fearfully and wonderfully made" - Psalm 139:14 on the back of the ticket stub from a Steven Curtis Chapman concert we were blessed to attend back in July. AJ was fearfully and wonderfully made and his short life served a greater purpose in our lives than we could ever imagine. And Bubble Jack - growing and kicking inside me - was fearfully and wonderfully made with a divine purpose of his own. We HAVE 3 boys! Until the day we die, we will always be the parents of 3 boys. Should God's plan include our time on earth with them or not, we were chosen to serve our purpose as the parents of 3 boys. And the day each of them were born - God danced!

MEND Walk to Remember

2008-12-29T20:40:00.012-06:00

The 12th annual MEND Walk to Remember was in October...I failed to get pics posted. It was a beautiful day. A little windy, but it all worked out nicely. Al & I served on the committee and I was in charge of the raffle along with another MEND mommy - we raised more money this year than any other year. :) It was great to help and be able to know that we were a part of making the day special for new families in 2008. Here are a few pics to share the day...

God Moments and Crazy Dreams...

2008-12-17T07:25:00.004-06:00

Mascara Alert!! This may make you cry - especially if you have lost a child or know me through MEND.

I woke up in tears this morning. Well, actually, I didn't want to wake up this morning. I was dreaming about AJ and I kept forcing myself back to sleep in hopes that I could hold him, kiss him and see his smile up close. In my sleep I failed to realize what was happening in the dream, but once I woke up, it was clear. Our 20 month old son was in my dream and out of my reach.

There was a reunion at a park with all of our MEND friends - among them were Rebekah and Byron (founders of MEND). The park was beautiful. Lush green, flowers everywhere, picnic tables, butterflies all around and a body of water that separated us from our children. I didn't realize it in the dream, but every time I tried to get close to AJ, the water was too deep and Byron would be beside me telling me "you can't cross, you can only watch"...but he said it with the biggest smile on his face. It was like he had been there many times and as if it was a treat to watch from afar. In my dream, I did not understand this and continued to try to cross that water.

At one point AJ fell - it must have been a bad fall because I recall saying "how can he 'almost' die if he is already dead?" (He was just fine.) The children were all ages...laughing and playing. I won't name all of the parents who were in my dream - must protect the innocent - but I can remember seeing all of our MEND friends - I assume the other children belonged to them. Either way - it was the most beautiful place and the children were all very happy.

In my dream all of the MEND parents were sitting around talking about our God moments surrounding our child's death. How in one way or another, God reassured them that their child rested in His arms safe and sound. For us, you may recall, it was the snow and the song on the day of AJ's funeral. There have been many other God moments for us throughout the last almost 21 months, but none have compared to that day.

So my question is this...Does God allows us to have dreams to give us glimpses of what will be? Or is it really like the Cinderella song I used to sing as a child, "A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep..." Am I just wishing and having crazy pregnancy dreams?

We crossed a HUGE mile marker this week. We made it to the 20 week mark with this pregnancy. While each mile marker is a blessing and we don't take even one day for granted, if something happens to this child - we will be planning another funeral. The thought blows my mind, but it's now part of our reality. We don't dwell on the reality, but it is what it is. It's a simple - yet constant - reminder that life is so fragile and we are NOT in control of anything.

Dying no longer scares me. Part of our reality is that a small part of Al & I are already in heaven waiting. I'm not talking about just the physical part of us, but the spiritual and emotional part of us that died - or was born - with AJ. Spiritually - we have had great rebirth on many levels. Emotionally - a part of us is missing. And somehow - call it a God moment - that's ok.

Our Family Pics 2008

2008-12-02T16:34:00.000-06:00

Great pics by JH Photography . Once again...Jenn you out did yourself! We love them!

Big Brother figured it out

2008-11-11T21:40:00.003-06:00

We were waiting to tell Eli about this pregnancy. But last night he and I were dancing with the stars and he looked at me and outright asked, "Mommy - do you have a baby in your tummy?" Of course we couldn't lie, so we told him. He is so excited to be a big brother on earth. He keeps saying he wants a brother, but he says it's ok if it's a sister too. I don't know how he figured it out, but he did.

I began feeling Bubble Jack move last week. I don't remember feeling movement with either of the boys at 14 weeks, but they say that experienced moms usually notice it earlier. It's good to have the reassurance of movements, but is worriesome when I go a period of time without feeling Bubble Jack move and wiggle. It shall be well...

And so our family grows again...

I love this quote!

2008-11-01T21:29:00.001-06:00

"Success is failure with the dirt brushed off."
~Mamie McCullough

Tough Day

2008-10-30T20:29:00.005-06:00

We went for a doctor appointment today. Bubble Jack is growing and doing just fine as of right now. :)

I was NOT thinking when I made the appointment for today! Not only did I have to see Dr B today (the doc that delivered AJ) but today he would have been 19 months old. Since this was really the first time that I've had face-time with Dr B, it was a real challenge. It all dawned on me while driving to the appointment. I was very thankful that Al was going to be with me and I wouldn't have to do it alone. I think it was hard for Dr B as well...I can't say that she has grown on me at all, but I definitely respect and am glad that she was there to deliver AJ. If I didn't love Dr P so much, I would probably change offices because of the hard memories I have to deal with at each appointment.

Speaking of hard...work has been very hard lately. My opinions are not valued, I am not appreciated or trusted and I'm tired of being treated like an idiot. I have so much to offer the university and my office, but I'm not allowed to do it. I went from being a keystone in a department that I loved, but that I needed to get out of, to a pebblestone in a department that I really thought I could do good and contribute to. I've learned a lot about the word 'control' since AJ died and have realized the lack of control that we really have in life. Therefore, I find it harder to deal with people that refuse to realize that life is not about controlling people and situations. Life is about teaching and learning. I believe in empowering people, teaching people, sharing and developing others with the knowledge I have and in turn learning from them. I believe in learning from failure and mistakes and allowing others to fail so they can learn as well. I think I am beginning to realize that I miss management because so much of management is teaching and learning. Don't get me wrong, I was at a time in my life that I needed to not manage people after AJ died because I could barely manage myself...but I have found that I really miss the reward of empowering and teaching others. Something has to change in the future because I refuse to waste away unappreciated for years to come. I need more and have more to give.

The one upside of work is the fact that I don't have to deal with a lot of questions about this pregnancy. I can't begin to describe how emotional I feel about everything to do with this pregnancy. Every time there is a spot of blood, pain or ache I fear that it's the end. Don't get me wrong - I'm not living in fear, but I am a mess worrying about this baby's safety. We haven't told Eli yet because we can't bear to have to tell him that he has yet another sibling in heaven. His perception of AJ and heaven seems so mature for only being 4 years old. We were driving down the street and he began singing a song out of nowhere, "I am going to eat all of my vegetables and food so I can grow up and be big and tall to go up in the sky to my brother AJ and Jesus, and I'll get to see my favorite dog Sonora"...I was in tears!! Just amazes me how he grasps that his brother and his dog are in heaven with Jesus and he seems ok with it. I'm not ok with it...but his innocence reminds me that God has it all in His hand and I'm cool with that. I'm thankful for God imparting a 4 year olds wisdom on us through this journey.

I + I = baby

2008-10-08T20:23:00.005-05:00

Ok - so my dear faithful readers may have been left wondering when my infertility blog was going to start. Well, at the end of August infertile merytle found out I am pregers. We are only 10-11 weeks along, but the stress and emotions are running high. This pregnancy is about a month off of the time that I was pregnant with AJ so I am passing pregnancy hurdles about the same time. I have not been feeling well AT ALL so it has been rather challenging, but worth it. I know how horrible it sounds, but I seem to live each day waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe that's just part of life for us now - knowing too much about what can really happen to babies - knowing the deepest heartache.

Today, like many others I wasn't feeling well and came home to rest. I woke up around 6pm and immediately - out of the blue - flashed back to that day we came home empty handed from the hospital. The day AJ died and we were left feeling lost and heartbroken. I remember getting home and standing in the rain until Al made me come inside. I remember sitting in his room numb and lifeless until Al moved me into the bedroom. I couldn't eat - Al made me so I wouldn't get sick from the pain medicine. I couldn't close my eyes - Al held me until I fell asleep. For days he held me up when I couldn't make myself move.

How in the world did he do all of that for me? What about his needs, his hurts, his pain? I know on some levels I hope I returned the support to him that he gave to me, but I don't think it in any way measures up. And now - I'm an emotional mess all over again and he is here to pick up my pieces. How in the world did I get so lucky?

I think he shares my nerves and my fear of failure on some levels. But he stays strong and encouraging. I am so afraid of letting him down. I am so afraid of living the heartache again. I know I need to be still and know. It will all be what it's gonna be and the Lord has it all in His hands. We ask you for your prayers for this new life growing, for the strength to get through each day with hope and peace, and please pray for the strength to endure whatever God has in store for our family.

The morning rainbow

2008-07-30T10:26:00.005-05:00

I walked out this morning to be greeted by a beautiful rainbow adorning the sky. Vibrant colors staring down as if to say - "look at me in all my beauty". I ran back in the house and grabbed the camera to capture this moment. The early morning showers and beautiful sunrise provided the ideal setting for this wonderful treat. I snapped a few shots and jumped in the car.

Driving in to the office, the sun to my rear bumper, the dark clouds in the western sky were the perfect back drop to marvel in the beautiful work of God. The shadows that were cast upon the trees by the morning sun made it all look like a painting, and I was driving right into the picture. There in the wind flew the beautiful red, white and blue, reminding me of how blessed we are to live in a country that doesn't kill babies because they are the wrong sex, that I don't have to face religious persecution on a daily basis, that life - each day - is a gift.

I was listening to the Journey (91.7) as I usually do on my way in for my daily inspiration. But today - my inspiration was so much more. I found myself wondering if heaven will be this beautiful? Will I even care once I get there as long as I can hold my son again. A song came on as Tom Dooley wound the session down titled "New Day" by Joy Williams. I drove and cried - and cried and drove. Then it hit me - today is July 30th....AJ would have been 16 months old today. (( I later found out that Al & Eli saw the same rainbow and it hit Al just the same as it did me. :) It's nice when we meet in the middle of the grief cycle if even for a minute.))

Could it be that God knew I needed to see that beautiful rainbow today and hear that specific song? In the midst of infertility, a sick living child, and a dead baby - was He reminding me to hope? Hope in the promises He so clearly makes to us? Hope that this time on earth is but a temporary stop? Hope that joy will come in the morning...

It's been a while...

2008-07-09T20:11:00.001-05:00

I apologize for my absence. A lot has been going on...so here it is.

Mother's Day
Well, Mother's day was probably one of my worst days. I stayed in bed and cried all day. I don't really remember much from mother's day last year, so this year I suppose it hit harder than I expected. I should have expected the day to go south as I had been crying every day that entire week. I would get up and do something and ended up right back on the bed crying. I was a horrible wife and mother that day...but I think DH understood and my guilt outweighed the impact of what really happened.

On May 14th, I finally got up the courage to go back to see my doctor to determine if we will be able to get pregnant again. Turns out my friend Poly (PCOS) has been back for an extended stay in my ovaries. Doc said he doesn't think that I have ovulated in months. He started me on Progesterone and Clomid to jump start my ovaries and ran a bunch of labs. It also turns out I have a blood clotting issue and also had to start a baby aspirin daily.

13 1/2 months after AJ died, my wheels came flying off the bus that week. On May 15th, I had - what I endearingly call - a breakdown. I was mad at God for the first time. Mad that He took AJ from us and that my body is not working right now for us to get pregnant again. I was mad that He blessed us with AJ without drugs or medical intervention like we had with Eli, yet He took AJ from us...hence forcing us to go through all of this again. I have had my 2 kids - we were only having 2 kids - WHY$^&*($#@ did I have to go through all of this??? Well, I guess the stress of all of that, coupled with my doc also reminding me that I need to move forward (in a nice way) and telling me that Al and Eli are depending on me to move forward, made me feel like I was having a heart attack. Full blown chest pain, shortness of breath, neck pain, light headed, dizzy, arm pain - you name it - I had it. I tried and tried to calm myself down and couldn't. So we called EMS to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack.

I didn't - just an embarrassment attack!! I couldn't believe that - I - ME - had an anxiety attack. It took me several days to admit it, accept it and well get used to the idea that I am indeed human and can't handle it all. I went and followed up with a cardiologist to be sure that the ticker is good. He said that he sees several women a month who are trying to get pregnant and have similar symptoms so I didn't feel quite as embarrassed as I did sitting in the waiting room with 70 & 80 year olds.

I was also instructed to lose weight to help my body start cooperating again. I began working out every morning and so far have lost 8 lbs - woo hoo!! On one hand it seems futile since my goal is to get pregnant, but I have to do it to get pregnant - so I do. I picture AJ's face during my work outs and imagine holding him again. Another pregnancy will in no way replace AJ, but somehow another baby will help mend our broken hearts. I am petrified of getting pregnant again on some levels, desperate in others, and hopeful all at the same time.

We just finished our second round of Clomid and are back in the sex-filled waiting game. If this round doesn't work, then I think I will start yet another blog that I will not be able to keep up with to journal our infertility journey. We are not willing to admit defeat, although we know that in the future we may have to. God has the plan all worked out...and because I'm still running on a little bit of anger - the plan SUCKS!!! Trying to follow my favorite advice and Let GO and Let GOD...but I'm human and that's hard!!

Check our family blog to catch up with all that has been going on with Eli...

Beautiful Christian Sister ~ by Maya Angelou

2008-05-24T15:43:00.006-05:00

A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin
''I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.

'When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou;
I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow!'

I love this....I have a lot to post about, but don't have time or the words to get it all out right now. I'll post soon. :)

Happy Birthday Blog...

2008-04-28T21:14:00.004-05:00

I sat numb in my room tonight as I found the journal I used to document the first days after AJ died. I stopped my last journal entry in mid sentence, "At one point during the service I turned my head to see who was there, and the...". I can't tell you what happened to my train of thought, but the finish to that sentence was "...the...first person I saw was Dr Peters, and I lost it."

I knew in my mind that at some point last April I began this blog to document where we had been and where we were going. I'm so thankful for dear old blog, you see - without this, I would have NO idea what had happened in our lives for about 4 months after AJ died and would have little recollection of the remainder of the year.

I suppose because I have no actual memories of this time last year, I have returned to a sense of numbness. On some levels I am reliving the pain, but I can't remember - so it is different. I just find myself with a dull ache and emptiness. Sometime overwhelming sadness, sometimes not. A holding pattern of sorts I suppose.

So I find it only fitting to wish my dear old/new friend - ajsmom-n-dad.blogspot.com - HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!! You have provided a much needed outlet, support and memories. Thank you to my faithful readers. God bless those who have happened upon our story during a time of sadness and hurt for your own children. Thank you for emailing me to let me know that AJ's life touched yours. May his memory live forever.

March for Babies

2008-04-18T10:28:00.007-05:00

We are walking to remember - we are walking to honor - we are walking to love!!
Please participate in any way you can - prayers, walking with us, money, or simply donate a HUG in memory of AJ to someone you love!!

God Bless!!

Update = 4-28-08

WE DID IT!! WE MADE IT ALL 5 MILES AT THE MARCH FOR BABIES ON APRIL 19TH.

We were blessed to be joined in the walk by many in spirit, financial support and in person. THANK YOU to all who helped us reach our goal!! Jenn, Sawyer, Jane, Linda, Mo and Deseri all got together to help us march our way to the finish line along the "Path of Hope".

Along the Path of Hope, about every 20 feet or so, there was a marker remembering, honoring and celebrating babies and children. Lives that touched the world or continue to change the world on a daily basis. It was beautiful. Next year (and the years to come) we hope to honor AJ with his own special sign of inspiration. We couldn't survive this life without our Lord and Savior, our family and our friends. Blessings to you all.

Founding families of "Team Adrian"

Fito & Jackie - Proud Parents of Adrian James "AJ"

Al, Amber & Big (tired) Brother Eli - Proud Family of Adrian Joseph "AJ"

Auntie Jane and Mr Eli -
aka Larry - riding the bus back to the car...

Jenn and Sawyer

What fun we had!!!! The boys slept for a good part of the walk - enjoyed their cool ride - thanks to Jeep! It was an awesome experience and we look forward to doing it again and again!!! Get your walking shoes ready...next year we MARCH again!!!

How did I get here?

2008-04-17T15:16:00.004-05:00

Growing up with a single mother, one of three children - middle child at that, was not easy. But you would have never known it. My mother worked 2-3 jobs, 5 when you included the jobs of being mom AND dad. I can't ever remember "wanting" for something I didn't have, because she did everything in her power to provide for our every want, need and desire. Sure, I didn't wear 'Guess' jeans or have the latest or greatest leg warmers (80's child!), but I had what all those kids who had that 'stuff' didn't have. I had a mom that taught us the difference between right and wrong. She taught us it is ok to be different - we were special without the fashion and popularity. She taught us we could accomplish absolutely anything we set our mind to - the only limits we have are those which we place on ourselves. She taught us, by example, that God will always be there to sustain us when all of the worldly possessions and people fail you.

I can't imagine walking this path in my life without God. Without knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that the day I die, I will be reunited with AJ and all those loved ones that go before us. Without knowing! that I will see my savior's face and be in total awe at how blessed I have been to walk with him, have him as my protector and guide through this now current 'hell' that I think I am living. He guides my way daily, gives me strength to get out of bed and face this cruel world, teaches me compassion first hand so that I may be a comfort to at least one other person in this world.

I know there is nothing I can do to bring back my baby. And likewise, I know that God has left me here for a purpose. I will be AJ's voice. I will follow His will for my life. I will do as I am asked - because He first loved me and gave me the gift of grace. Because MY mother taught me the importance of faith - not religion. Because she taught me forgiveness, difference, kindness, dedication, compassion, creativity, humility and love - all Father filtered.

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY AJ!!!

2008-03-30T05:28:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday little Mater!!

We hope you have a wonderful birthday with Jesus and your friends. Watch for our balloons today! We love you so very much and are so proud of you!!!! You are a blessing in our lives and a daily reminder of how Great God is. We miss you terribly, but someday, we will all be reunited!!

We love you SO SO much!!!

Mommy, Daddy & Eli

Deep Breath....

2008-03-29T22:28:00.002-06:00

It's about 11:30 on March 29th...we were leaving for the hospital right about now to bring home our baby boy. Contractions were about 3-4 minutes apart. Eli was with Granny sleeping innocently. It was a rainy night. We were so excited...our bliss was about to be revoked. Our hearts broken. Our faith tested. Our psyche challenged. Our lives changed forever.

A year later I don't feel like much has been accomplished in the past 12 months. But I know better. I don't know how we have gotten up each day 'acted the part' God assigned to us. But we have. I don't know what our lives would be like if AJ was here. But that's ok?

In a heartbeat

2008-03-26T20:39:00.002-06:00

A year ago was the last time I heard AJ's heart beating. It sounded like galloping horses - it was the most beautiful sound. I remember Dr. Peters specifically stopping to marvel at the sound.

I believe that AJ's heart stopped beating and his spirit left my body sometime in the early morning hours of March 27th. I woke up just not feeling right - went to the bathroom, but nothing too abnormal. I just never felt the same again - and I never will.

1 year ago

2008-03-21T08:32:00.009-06:00

Me - 9 months prego - awaiting little AJ's arrival.

One year ago this morning was AJ's first and only baby shower. Other showers was being planned for after he was born. My work family threw a beautiful shower with awesome food - what they are best known for. It was a God thing that I was able to get all of my thank you cards done for them before he was born, otherwise, I don't know that I would have ever been able to do them. (I still haven't been able to do the thank you cards for the funeral and things everyone did for us after he died.)

I just thought I would share a few pictures of this wonderful memory.

Granny, Mommy and Aunt June

Mommy & Ms. Jane (Work mom!)

AJ's "I love my Big Brother" bib...

Mommy & Tio Franko (Eli & AJ's Tio, My work dad)

Do you believe?

2008-03-20T07:59:00.004-06:00

Over the past year I have seen "AJ" everywhere. We watch Fox news every morning. Right after AJ died, a new news reporter named Adrian joined the morning news. I have seen "AJ" as the name of businesses, on the rear window of cars driving down the street, the designated number on semi-truck passing us by, the name of the sales clerk at JC Penny's, as the name of the boy with his dad at Gamestop as we bought our first Wii game with Eli, yesterday on the court TV show while I ate lunch and then this morning on the bottom of the perfectly white bag that our breakfast came in, I looked up to see the initials AJ.

I firmly believe that those things are not simple coincidences or that I notice them only because he is all I can think of, but rather that it's God's will placing those reminders in our path. If I was not in that exact place at that exact moment, I would never see those reminders. I would not be blessed by such a seemingly insignificant thing to anyone else, but to me it's a reminder of my sweet baby boy and what is missing in our lives.

Yesterday we got a "Happy 1st Birthday" party planning guide from Toys R Us. It hurt so bad to be 'in my face' that he is not here to plan a party for. Sometimes when we get mail like that it doesn't bother me, others I just want to call and yell at someone for not knowing that our baby died and why are they sending us stuff. 100% of the time, despite the knee jerk reaction, file 13 is where it all ends up.

I believe in signs. God driven signs that guide us, remind us, encourage us. I believe in the higher power that has great plans for us. I trust...do you believe?

Today's verse: Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord have never forsaken those who seek you. ~~ Psalm 9:10

The Ignorance of Bliss

2008-03-05T22:23:00.003-06:00

The old saying is "Ignorance is bliss", but is it?

We go through life trying to be happy and fulfilled. However, in our quest to be "blissful", do we turn our backs to the true harsh realities of life? Over the last 11 months, I have slowed down and noticed things that I would have never taken time to notice before. Simple things - a bird singing, a squirrel hiding his acorns for the winter, the imperfection of a perfect falling snowflake. I have also learned how to watch people, see the hurt in their eyes, the joy in their smiles and the pain in their loneliness.

Bliss simply masks the ignorance of everyday life. I'm certain that in my travels in life, I had heard that babies die - but I didn't stop to give value to that idea. I was aware of SIDS - but it didn't affect me or anyone I knew so I chose to be ignorant about the subject and continue on my path of bliss. Sure the abstract thoughts were filed in my mind, but they were not real to me.

Are we - as humans - wired to be ignorant? In my opinion - No. God has equipped us with the ability to learn, teach and minister. The simple fact is that we choose to be ignorant about subjects that scare us - such as death, poverty, disease, abuse and the unknown. Very few people would intervene if they saw a starving man on the street, a woman dying of a contagious disease or a case of domestic violence across the street. Instead most would choose to be ignorant in their bliss.

Babies die. If you didn't know it before, know it now. Viruses, birth defects, cancer, SIDS, in utero cord accidents and for no known reasons - babies die. The families affected by the loss of a child - at any age - never quit hurting. The intensity lightens, the frequency of 'breakdowns' increases - but the ache in your soul never goes away.

I can remember saying to my mom a few weeks before AJ was born - referring to my Aunt and Uncle who's son was killed by a drunk driver a few weeks after we found out we were pregnant - I can't imagine their pain. I questioned how do they even get up in the morning knowing that Joe isn't here? I had no idea we would first hand share their pain just a few weeks later.

I miss being ignorant to life around me. I sometimes wish I could return to the world in which I didn't notice everything, think about everything and ache on a daily basis. I know that God doesn't intend for me to live my life ignorant - that is why He has given us this responsibility. His full intention is for us to come out of the ignorance of bliss and give something back to this world. Right now - giving back is simply continuing to breathe on a daily basis. But I believe that someday soon - giving back will take on a whole new meaning.

Hummm...

2008-02-24T22:21:00.004-06:00

Do you trust me enough never to know the reason why?

A dear friend of mine said she read this years ago and committed it to memory, not knowing that she would be faced with a situation that would actually challenge her to it. We have special connection in that our babies both died from a "true knot" in the umbilical cord.

The incidence of a true knot is very rare and not all result in infant death. In the past 11 months I have never once researched the true knot - until now. I don't know if I just wasn't ready to deal with what I might find or what. So now I have a few questions that I hope to get answers to from a medical standpoint.

Ironic I suppose - a knot is something that is supposed to tie something together, to join one thing to another. Instead AJ was taken away. One definition of a knot is an imperfection or a creative design. I think we definitely look at this as an imperfection to our plan. However, in a sense it's indeed part of God's creative design. If you google "true knot" you will see beautiful colorful pictures of knots that possibly changed someones life in an instant. Medical mysteries to some, knots of sadness for others. I would do anything for a picture of AJ's knot... to see the true knot that God allowed to take our sweet baby boy.

I do trust God to never know the reason why. I trust that He has brought this burden and heartache into our lives to show us something, teach us, enable us. Enable us to learn to endure, share and comfort others, love fully, prioritize, appreciate and rejoice in His name. I choose to keep my eye on Him - no matter how dark, sad and lonely I get - for He is the only way back to my baby. I will trust in His promises, believe in His faithfulness and long for the glorious day He calls us home.

Mind Meld....

2008-02-13T22:24:00.004-06:00

Today - well it was a really bad emotional day. It started off rough - and rough stuck around.

I had an early appointment. I forgot my cell phone at home, so when I got out of my appointment at 7:45 (too distraught to go to work at that moment) I went back to the house to get my phone. It was a 'total' God thing that just as I reached to unplug my phone on the counter - crying like a baby - the phone rang and it was my dear friend Jane. I squeaked out a "Hi" - and I think an "I'm ok" before I broke down crying. At that moment I think I was crying more that God sent her to me at that very moment - knowing how much I needed her. She and I have this mind meld thing going on and she said to me "something just told me I needed to call you". :-)

I stood in the bedroom holding AJ in my arms (I'm not crazy - we had him cremated) crying - praying for peace. I've really had a hard time being specific in prayer lately, but I just kept asking God to give me peace. And sure enough, after a few minutes of begging - a peace came over me and I was able to get myself together enough to go to work.

A friend - another mother from MEND - said that she was in a funk the months leading up to her baby girl's Birthday, but once the day came she had a very peaceful day. I can definitely relate to being in a funk. I don't want to talk, the weirdest things make me cry, my heart hurts exponentially more each day at the mere mention of a child, sight of a pregnant woman, baby, anniversary, song, you name it - I hurt. I analyze it to be because this time last year we were so close to the finish line and so full of anticipation and plans. Reliving each day parallel to last - hurts.

The Why's & What's....

2008-02-02T15:03:00.001-06:00

Ok - if you have kept up with my blog you know that I don't ask the question "why" when it comes to AJ's death. I am, however, going to ask the question why about something else.

Why???...do people feel the need to say "you are young and healthy - you can just have another baby"? When someone’s mother, father, grandparents, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, friend, or enemy dies, we don't rush right up to them and say "don't worry - you can get another one."

We want another baby - but not to replace AJ - to enhance our family. To watch them grow, teach them right from wrong, to love and cherish every moment we will hopefully be blessed with. Often, Al will say that he is not so sad for us, but for what Eli is missing in his little brother - a friend, playmate and buddy. As parents, we want to fulfill that privilege for Eli. Al and I are both blessed with wonderful siblings, and my heart aches at the thought that Eli may never have that in the flesh.

We are not in search of a quick fix to our pain, anger or sadness. A baby would help restore hope, but it will never take away our pain. Someone said this week that they don't know how to help us. I have spent hours thinking of an answer to that. The comment has laid very heavy on my heart. The simple truth is that we just need our friends to be there. Listen. Don't try to have great words of wisdom - there are no words. Call and ask us out for dinner. We have spent almost a year trying to restore normalcy to our lives and that will not come if our dearest friends are too afraid to be around us.

I am a huge fan of Casting Crowns. One of their songs talks about "Love them like Jesus". In my search for a response for the question "what can people do for us" I always go back to that song. You don't need the answers, just be here, and love us unconditionally, like Jesus - even if that means you are out of your comfort zone.

We know people feel helpless around us. Imagine living in our skin 24/7 - we are the definition of helpless. We wander this earth trying to find and pick up pieces of this storybook life that we once had dreamed of. I don't think we will ever really find all the pieces - I don't think that's God's intention. He doesn't provide things in a nice pretty box labeled "Life". He unveils life to us once piece at a time. AJ dying happens to be a piece of our puzzle...it doesn't fit the way we expected it to all fit - but it is indeed part of our puzzle...and our picture of life is so much more beautiful, humble and complete with AJ in it.

If you have 10 minutes or so, watch the video below...touching!

10 months

2008-01-30T21:24:00.000-06:00

Wow - the time flies, yet I can't really tell you what has happened in the last 10 months. It's hard to believe that AJ would be cruising around, eating all kinds of things and probably be saying his first words by now.

I was uplifted today by a friend at work who said she still thinks of us, prays for us, and sometimes even still cries for us. I respect people who can just be real and honest with me, ask how I am without the fear of making me cry - yet crying with me when I do. As the time gets farther out, fewer people ask how we are. It is really special to me when someone does and tells me the way they remember AJ. And amazingly enough, I always encounter those special people when I'm having a really sad day...coincidence? I think not!!

My dear friend Poly

2008-01-17T10:14:00.000-06:00

Ok - yes that is meant with the utmost snarkiness!! I have a friend - her name is Poly - she is a distant relative of Aunt Flo. And let's face it - every woman knows Anut Flo. Well Poly - she is evil. She won't leave me alone!

You see, Poly and I became friends about 5 years ago when dear Dr. Peters introduced us. He looked at me and said "you may never be able to have kids - but we will try this medicine and I'll see you back in 6 months." Well - I wasn't really ready to accept Poly at that stage in my life, so I showed her - 6 weeks later - we were pregnant (totally a miracle - I had nothing really to do with it - I know). Eli's pregnancy was so nerve racking - spotting, cramping, tired, doctor visits all the time. But he came and he is wonderful.

Well , Poly and I remained estranged for years. In the summer of 06, I once again was blessed when we found out we were pregnant - this time without meds. It was a miracle - Dr Peters said sometimes Poly goes away after a normal pregnancy - was I fixed? I didn't care - we were going to have another baby. AJ's pregnancy was not as difficult, but I was still on edge just because - well - what mother doesn't worry about every little ache and pain when they are prego? We made it through the first trimester and well - one assumes everything is ok after that. I think you all know the story from here... God called our little angel home and now Poly is back for an extended stay.

I had hoped that Poly was gone for good, but not so much. After AJ's birth, my cycles seemed that they might have returned to some since of normalcy. Dr Peters gave me another prescription of the meds just in case they didn't regulate in June. Well, Aunt Flo came for her semi-normal monthly visit in July, August and September. But then Poly came for a visit in October and December. Now Poly, Aunt Flo and I have been duking it out for the past week. There have been moments when I think I'm gonna lose the battle.

So with all of that being said, a different roller coaster that life has me on is this...when Poly shows up, I skip cycles - right. Well, then I get my hopes up that - maybe just maybe - we could be blessed with another child. Then Aunt Flo comes and destroys me all over again. The physical pain is so bad - so reminiscent of the days after AJ died. The emotional pain so deep as it deflates what little hope gets restored in between visits from Aunt Flo. The mental pain is so exhausting! It's so hard not to let fear take over and rule my life. God has a plan, God has a plan...God has a plan!! I am just so afraid that this plan doesn't include more children for us...and there is fear - taking over! Oh I'm such a mess!!

Funny...

2008-01-04T16:08:00.000-06:00

Ok - God has a since of humor and if you don't believe it, look at this...

I received this email in the midst of a - let's just call it what it was - a baby breakdown - and the caption was...

There's always hope!

No matter what situation's life throws at you....

No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...

Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!!!

Sometimes it's hard to remember that simple thing - there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank God for friends who know just what you need when you need it!! :)

So Long 2007....

2008-01-01T20:36:00.000-06:00

Well, I know I've thought it, if I haven't already typed it before, but I'm so glad 2007 is gone!! Wouldn't trade it...do away with it...or regret it, but don't want to relive it. I am praying that 2008 will bring better things for so many people.

From time to time, grief steps aside and allows us to enjoy something for a small amount of time in our day. We spent the last week in the mountains of South Dakota, and well...I think I would like to become a writer and move to the mountains. (I know that shoveling snow would get old, but it sounds good at the time.) I really missed my computer and blogs, but enjoyed the silence, snow, peace, and beauty of all that God created. Michael W. Smith sings a song about a mountain and how God brings us up to the top of the mountain to "rest and learn and grow, I see the truth upon the mountain and I carry it to a world far below" That song has really helped me in the last 9 months, despite feeling more like I'm in the valley, I have actually been on top of that mountain - learning, resting, growing closer to God.

If you keep up with my blog, you know that we have a special thing with snow...and snow was everywhere. It was great. I felt a great deal of peace, but watching all of the families together with their small children continually took my thoughts back to our missing AJ. To what will always be missing in the flesh, our son. We will never get to watch him attempt to ski, make a snowball or flirt with the snow bunnies. For that we are sad.

Today, New Year's Day, a day I didn't expect to be difficult, was! We slept late, then went to get some lunch, and for some reason - I just lost it. Grief had to remind me it was still here waiting for our return. Starting a new year brings hope yet refreshes our sadness.

Reading through my blog I notice the roller coaster grief has us on. Does it ever stop? Do we ever get a chance to get off? If so, would we want to? I feel like I've been trapped on this coaster for so long it's just what I do....I feel like I will fail AJ if I get off...I feel like I will be in foreign land by the time it stops moving us around. But - I have no control anyways....so for now I will not worry!! Happy New Year to all!!

Merry Christmas

2007-12-22T00:28:00.000-06:00

Should you look up on Christmas Eve, and see a shining star

Think of our dear AJ, as he shines brightly from afar.

Should you sit down at the table, to eat your Christmas dinner,

Say a special little prayer, for those broken hearts this winter.

Should you find yourself without the words, to say to us this year,

Just know that a simple hug will do, as we shed another tear.

To all those families hurting this Christmas, we pray that God's love enfolds you and you find peace in the holiday season. To our families and friends, thank you for being there to laugh with, cry with and share this very difficult year with.

If AJ's life has touched your life in any way, please send us a note or message. We'd love to know how little AJ has made a difference in your life. Merry Christmas to all!!

Instant Gratification

2007-12-17T01:10:00.000-06:00

I don't know about you, but I am all about instant gratification. When we buy something, we want it now (probably why I don't shop online often). When we make something to eat, we want to eat it now. And when you carry a baby for 39 weeks, you want to hold that baby until he/she absolutely wont let you hold them anymore. As a mother, I don't know if that feeling of never wanting to let go of your child ever goes away completely...but going to college with your mother around your leg isn't so cool...and I get that!

In two weeks, AJ will be 9 months old. I so wish I could hold him. The pain is quite unbearable actually. I went to visit with Jen and Sawyer the other night on the way home...Sawyer and AJ are only one month apart...and I just hurt for AJ not being here. Sawyer was so fun and cute - I am so blessed to have him in my life as a reminder and mile marker. But OMG it hurts so bad!! The boys should be playing together...best buds like we had planned. This is not the picture I painted in my mind. Not the class I signed up for. Not the way it's supposed to be....

Gifts...

2007-12-04T23:38:00.000-06:00

Tonight was the annual MEND Christmas Candle Light Ceremony. It was a beautiful service. Rebekah, the founder of MEND, spoke about gifts. I think everyone likes to receive gifts, but sometimes the gift we receive is not what we think we are getting or what we think we ought to have...but yet we wouldn't return it or exchange it for anything.

The gift of compassion is one of the greatest gifts we too have received from AJ's life. Heartfelt empathy for others going through rough times. I look back over the last 8 months and can't really tell you what I've done. So much of the time is a blur and some I can't even recall. But one thing I can recall over the last 8 months are the new friends we have met through MEND and what a true blessed gift they are to our lives. To share the hurt with others, to hurt for them as they hurt for you. A strange, yet simple, yet absolutely great gift.

More About Thanksgiving...

2007-11-29T01:00:00.000-06:00

I was so exhausted and emotionally depleted when I posted my Thanksgiving blog that I didn't include one of the most amazing things that happened. It SNOWED!!! For those who may just be joining our story (read early posts from April) - we feel snow is AJ visiting to remind us he is with us and God's way of reminding us He has it all under control.

Eli was so excited - I was crying and daddy was working the camera. Eli says, "Mommy - can we call AJ and tell him thank you for the snow?" It was the cutest thing ever!!!! In the midst of sadness and straight-up heartache for AJ not being here on Thanksgiving, God answered the cries and prayers to carry us through the day with snow!! Amazing!

I've been feeling really down for about the last two weeks...I guess it's just the holidays??? Friday AJ will be 8 months old...the past 8 months seem so blurred and unreal. I feel like at some point I will get to wake up and it will all be ok. But I won't...and it won't. Some MEND people say that the one year mark makes a difference...I suppose we will see. For now, I will appreciate the little things like snow, pray my feet will hit the floor each day, and endure moment by moment the life we have been given to live.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T23:10:00.000-06:00

Today was not easy...but we survived it. We are so thankful for the short amount of time God gave you to us.

Happy Thanksgiving AJ - We love you and miss you more each day!!

Thought to ponder...

2007-11-14T21:30:00.001-06:00

I was at Target and picked up Joel Olsteen's book "Your best life now" to peruse while the boys looked at toys. I turned to a chapter titled "Find strength through adversity". I thumbed a few pages and in there something popped off the page at me.

~~Even if your sitting down, stand up inside.~~

I feel like I'm doing the exact opposite of this...I stand up daily outside, but I just can't stand up inside. God props me up daily, but if I allow myself to get too far away I just decide it's easier to sit back down than continue to stand. It is a really exhausting cycle that God uses to strength-train us in life....building our endurance. (and I'm ok with that...it's just not easy.)

I know my strength comes from the Lord not only in adversity, but always. Thank God for His promises!!!

Ok - So maybe I'll just cry for the next two months...or maybe the next 5??

2007-11-14T02:36:00.000-06:00

Well, the impending holidays are taking their toll and haven't even arrived yet. I was in "Martha" mode - planning and such until I took the time to realize what was before me. It's been a while since my last late night musing...so here it is.

We went to our monthly MEND meeting last week and on the way home it hit me...I don't really want to be around anyone (family please don't take this personally) or be thankful for anything or hear anyone be thankful for anything this year. I really just want to stay closed up in our house - with my family - and forget that it is "Thanksgiving". --I even asked Al if we could just go camping to get away so I don't have to deal with anything.--

Don't get me wrong...I am thankful for my wonderful husband, my two beautiful sons, my family, friends, job, etc...but I just don't feel like talking about it. Words are so hard to find on a good day...they will be impossible on a holiday. I don't want to hear anyone talk about how thankful they are for anything they have or will have or wish they had. Selfish as it may be...it's just how I feel and that's that!!

My coveted Lillian Vernon catalogue came a couple of weeks ago - TEARS!! when I opened to remember that I would not be ordering another stocking to hang on the fire place...and then I decided to do just that. Order Mr. AJ a stocking to take his rightful place on the hearth with the rest of the family...Al and I discussed it and decided that we would invite friends and family to write notes to AJ every year and fill his stocking with memories for his book. Then at MEND someone recommended that people could write notes to us on how AJ's life has changed or impressed their life. They said that it is very uplifting to go back and read each year and see how our baby's life changed or helped someone else. So family and friends, feel free to start writing your notes to go in AJ's stocking...we'll need something to smile about.

For Christmas, we are going to escape the metroplex and go to South Dakota for my Granny's 97th birthday (on Christmas day). I haven't really looked at Christmas as "Christmas" because it is my Granny's birthday and we are not exchanging gifts or anything so it really hasn't "hit" me yet about the holiday...maybe I'll be blessed to escape a breakdown if I'm not at home?? (wishful thinking). I am having a really hard time with the thought of getting all of my Christmas things out...and Christmas is usually my favorite holiday. I just don't have it in me.

Pray that God can place joy in our hearts this holiday season in some way. Peace to all.

7 Months

2007-10-30T08:10:00.000-06:00

Today is full of VERY mixed emotions. I start my new job in 2 days - that's great! My office is once again being unbelievably wonderful with a luncheon for me today. I just got a huge beautiful bouquet of yellow flowers complete with daisy's and roses...my favorite - thanks!

AJ would have been 7 months old today. Becoming the little man that I imagine him to be. The hurt is so overwhelming and consuming it is simply indescribable. I just want to sit here and cry until I have nothing left to cry.

I have a picture of pregnant me and Eli that is perfect in every way. I keep that picture on my desk because it is the only picture I have with me and both of my boys here on earth. I usually hate pictures of me, but this one was divinely planned and perfect in every way.

A Walk to Remember

2007-10-08T23:35:00.000-05:00

October 6th was the 11th annual MEND Walk to Remember - our first year of course. The ceremony was beautiful. Eli got to wear his "I'm the BIG Brother" shirt for the first time. It was so great to be surrounded by friends and family - it sometimes feels like everyone has just forgotten and moved on and - hence expects that we have done the same.

Over 400 people attended the walk and over 150 babies were remembered - WOW. The enormity of how many families are touched by the loss of a child (or several children) is unreal.

The balloon release at the end was so peaceful and truly amazing. You know - when one balloon is released, you tend to loose sight of it rather quickly. However, on Saturday with over 400 balloons floating in the sky it seemed like we could see them forever before they disappeared. I suppose that is the same when you are touched with one baby dying...the memories for some disappear quickly, but when you lump them together and say 150 babies have died - it's huge and a little harder to forget. Each balloon is such an important part of the bigger picture and carries so much more than a special note written on the outside.

Each of the lives represented with those balloons is changing the world we live in each day. So the saying - 1 person can make a difference in this world is true - 1 person who isn't even here to create the memories or live the life we'd planned matters so much to our big picture of life - and it's up to us to be sure their lives don't lose meaning.

I ask that next time you have an opportunity to acquire a balloon, that you take it and send it up to our little AJ. Take time to watch it float into the clouds until you can't see it anymore. Take time to slow life down and appreciate all of the blessings God has bestowed upon you and you watch your balloon disappear into the clouds.

The Big 6 M

2007-09-30T23:12:00.000-05:00

Today we hit the 6 month mark. To a great extent - part of me stays numb, but God's strength or grace keeps me going....it's not me. A lot like the 5 month post, I should be writing about how AJ is crawling and pulling up, eating new things and how much he is different than his brother. About how wonderful of a big brother Eli is and how much we can't imagine our lives without our two boys.

Well at 6 months, we can't imagine our lives without our two boys. Eli is so smart and funny. Loves all the things that little boys love and he is ALL BOY!! He is such a blessing! And AJ - well he is brilliant! He is a constant reminder of how blessed we are to be human and experience life. God chose us for such a divine purpose and now holds part of our purpose in His hand. We might have lived our lives for 60 years never understanding or being enlightened with how precious life and love is. So many people around us take for granted the simplest of things.

I have found myself driving different routes to and from work just to simply find something new to appreciate each day. To see a man watering his lawn, birds flying amongst the cars at the stop light, discovering a new street I never knew existed. Without AJ - I might have never driven that road or looked up to see the birds frolicking in the morning sun. My heart may never have opened to some - and closed to others. I tend to observe more and worry less...worry for what when I really have NO control.

A day doesn't go by without a moment in which the core of my being doesn't hurt. In which the magnitude of what we are enduring doesn't present it's self in some fashion and I am reminded that I am to be still.

2007 has been a VERY hard year for so many people around me. I am thankful that I can look ahead to what 2008 might hold for us all. 6 months ago I couldn't see past the end of my nose. 6 months ago I was reminded how small I am in this world and how all things are in His control. 6 months ago our hearts were broken, but our lives were blessed.

The Empty Seat

2007-09-13T16:51:00.000-05:00

Three bald-headed babies sat before me today
in the red & white stripped cart.
The fourth seat was empty where AJ would sit,
my heart sunk as I then fell apart.

Each of the boys smiling and looking
for a friendly face to study and stare.
But all I could do was well up with tears
because AJ just wasn't there.

The seat belt was buckled perfectly straight,
on the back row with seating for four.
Brandon and Ben and Dalton
all smiled and giggled innocently more.

I did all I could to stand there and smile,
praying each moment for strength.
Wanting to run away, scream and cry,
my cross reminding me of it's weight.

Don't get me wrong, I would never trade my cross
nor lay it down on the side,
Nor pray for a shorter cross to carry
for it is why He died.

It isn't easy to keep perspective
when grief and pain come in the door.
Sometime it feels like you're buried alive
and you simply can't take any more.

That is when a good friend calls to laugh,

to remind you of your purpose on earth.

The words "it will all be ok",

the human response to give it all worth.

So for now I will carry on,

daily seeing that empty seat.

Imagining all of the fun we'd of had

and waiting until we meet.

Days pass and we exist because that is what we are "supposed" to do. God provides the rest. May you never have to see an empty seat where someone you love doesn't sit. Never ask God for a shorter cross - He knew which cross you would carry before you were born. Ask God to help you carry, to give you peace, to catch your tears. Peace and blessings to all.

Grief Projects

2007-09-03T22:46:00.000-05:00

So many people have told us that the projects that follow grief are a way of healing, distraction, etc. I suppose we are blessed in that we have a creative gene that allows us to expel that energy. I pray that everyone has some outlet for their grief...it's not easy. So I thought I would share some pictures of our grief projects. Peace & Blessings to all!! :)

Eli helping mommy clean out the closet- note wearing daddy's shoes..."like daddy".

Eli helping daddy tile the bathroom...woo hoo!

Bridal Cake

Birthday Cake for Abbie (Tasha from Backyardigans)

High School Musical Cake for "the twins"

Groom's Cake

5 months

2007-08-30T00:22:00.001-05:00

So I must be a masochist, I was curious about what my little man would be doing now at all 5 months of age if he were here. So I went on to babycenter.com to read about his milestones. He would be reaching for us, know his name and interested in sounds and language. It's all just so unfair to be honest.

So August has not been such a great month. A year ago last Friday a friend from HS died unexpectedly. Friday will be one year from when my cousin Joe was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. Today marks 5 months since AJ died. I hope the 'bad' year of our life is over now. Let's hope life runs on a fiscal year and not a calendar year. HA!!

For those who don't know, we chose AJ's name - Adrian because we had to have a name starting with "A" and we liked it, and Joseph after my cousin. I am so proud that we named AJ after such a great young man who made such a great impact in his 29 years of life. My cousin was a great guy - well rounded and loved by many.

So where are we at 5 months??? I don't know. I have a goal of sending out thank you notes before the 6 month mark...I hope I can finally do it. I sometimes start and then just fall apart at the daunting task. We are getting ready for the "Walk to Remember" in October which I think will be really nice. Eli's birthday is coming up in October as well - he is insisting on a dinosaur party so I have begun planning that as well. Life is still being endured in weeks, days and moments. Each one passing quickly - yet creeping by.

I will be glad to see the month of August go away to be honest. I have dreaded it for all the anniversaries it carried with it...the anniversary of finding out we were expecting AJ (Aug 15), telling everyone "Eli was going to be a big brother" (Aug 17), death of a friend (Aug 24), death of a cousin (Aug 31). And now August 30 - enduring life without AJ at 5 months.

Amazing what a

difference a year makes -

he looks so young!!

don't even have enough in me for a title...

2007-08-27T02:01:00.000-05:00

I thought this process was supposed to get easier as time passes. The saying, "Time heals all wounds" isn't so true.

This weekend has beat me...out of the last 48 hours, I think I have cried 40. I can't even blame it on hormones. I have to be at work in 5 hours for the first day of school...I am so exhausted I can't sleep. I pray this week gets better...

You all know my famous desk calendar that I have posted about in the past. Well...it speaks again. Today's prayer is... 'Thank You, Father, for the gift of memory that allows me to hold close the ones I love even after they are with You. Amen' That couldn't be more fitting coming off of this weekend. I'm going to bed...praying for sleep...peace...and strength to get up tomorrow.

The Circus

2007-08-19T22:24:00.000-05:00

Today we went to the circus. Eli had a great time, but kept asking "is it over now?" every time the lights went out. He absolutely loved the motorcycles in the ball...and the elephants!! It seems the circus has changed 10 fold since we were children. It's no longer the 3 rings, no cannon man, no traditional acrobats. Instead there was a jumbo tron, bad acting, and it was about 1/2 the size it used to be. Everything evolves I suppose.

So we are coming up on 5 months...I have improved in some areas, in some areas I think I have improved and then find that I'm still pretty stuck, and other areas I'm still in the ditch. For the most part I stay so busy that I don't fall apart too often. But when I do - it's horrible.

I find it unreal that God somehow feels it is necessary for me to continue breathing. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to die, but it's just so hard. Life is going on around us and sometimes I just want it all to quit so I can be sad...so I can just sit and cry...so i can just be. However, something every day reminds me to "Be still and know..." and that is often how I make it through the day...I KNOW He has a great plan.

I hate that we will never get to experience AJ's reactions to the circus. Never see his eyes light up or hear him tell us of his favorite part. Today I couldn't help but think of the million times in my life that I have said I want to run off and join the circus. Despite the fact the circus was considerably smaller and "different" this year, I still welled up with tears as it began just like a little girl. Oh to be a kid again...

The Phone Call

2007-08-13T23:33:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I was driving to work listening to KLTY as I normally do and they were taking calls to win Women of Faith concert tickets. They asked you to call in and tell of a time that seemed completely hopless and how God restored your hope. I heard one phone call and the next thing I knew I was dialing the phone.

It rang twice - I couldn’t believe the phone answered and I was put through to Frank (the DJ). I knew at that moment that it was time for our story to be told. I was so excited. I didn’t win the tickets, but our story was told - that was all the prize I needed. I emailed the station to see if it would be possible to get a copy of the call emailed to me and they did. Now I will have it forever – that moment in time when our story reached hundreds or maybe even thousands and maybe touched someone’s life. – What an honor!

PS - if you'd like me to email you a copy of the phone call - I can...I'm just not smart enough to upload it to my blog...hummm...

Perhaps...

2007-08-02T01:34:00.000-05:00

An interesting event occurred today. As I was leaving the office for a meeting, a student innocently asked me "how's that baby?". I know she is in the office often, so I questioned her by saying, which baby (I assumed she knew AJ died and was referring to Eli)? She of course replied confused, "the baby you just had" and my response shocked me.

With a strange pride I replied, "I'm so sorry you didn't hear, AJ died. But he is doing great - he is playing with Jesus and just perfect." Of course, she is falling apart apologizing for not knowing and offering sympathies, but I was ok with the question...it didn't totally rock my world as it usually might. Perhaps today was just a good day - had lunch with a dear friend and so mentally I was in a good spot. Perhaps my mind was too busy to be anything but blunt. Perhaps it was just the divine grace that God has provided to respond to that question.

We get through moments in the day - that is called enduring. Each day is different - and for that matter - each moment is different. I am not a fool - I know that is common sense for anyone alive, but you get my point. It is very difficult to endure life. Just because we survive or endure one moment, doesn't mean that we don't completely fall apart later...I am falling apart now. But perhaps that is all part of the plan. God needs us to be mush in order to mold us into what He needs us to be...and hard playdoh is not very moldable.

So many people just don't get it, and it's hard to explain what it is I expect them to get. People get uncomfortable when we talk about AJ, but to us it is no different than if he had been here for 30 years...we just don't have the stories of the life he lived, but rather the dreams we had for him, for us and for our family. We are enduring each day and that is alone exhausting...perhaps someday enduring will trun back into living?

Sad

2007-07-26T08:43:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up sad. Like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders...can't see the sun...SAD. Besides it being Thursday, besides the fact it's 17 weeks, almost 4 months...I don't know why -- I'm just sad. I miss my baby. I wonder. I hurt. I cry. I'm sad...

Silent Grief

2007-07-16T01:10:00.000-05:00

Two more babies died last week - that I know of at least. I know that babies die all the time, but until you live it - it is not spoken of. People don't usually offer this type of information unless they know you have a similar experience. Why? People - children - have died - why is it taboo to talk about? When some one's husband, grandparent, sibling or parent dies - we don't suddenly stop talking about them as if they never existed! Our babies are real people that died...each had their own personality...each one sent to fulfill a purpose.

People often say things to imply that we should be over AJ's death by now. These people feel the need to point out that we should be moving on or finding joy in other things. We do have joy in other things. We find joy in the fact our feet hit the floor this morning and we have yet another day here on earth to watch Eli grow up and family and friends to share life with. We have JOY in God and the perfect plan He has for us.

But while the average friend or family member has gone back to living their life, our life to live is that our son died. He is not here. We can't escape that for even an hour of our day. Others may only remember our pain when they see or talk to us, but we breathe our pain every minute of every day. Occasionally, if we are lucky - something might distract us long enough to smile and have a good laugh. But for as long as we live, we will always hurt. We will never be the same people we were before - but that may not be a bad thing.

Don't make us be silent in our grief. We talk about AJ all the time at home and intend to for the rest of our lives honor his life. Don't belittle our pain. Don't shun us because we may not have something "happy" to talk about. Just let us be - but please - just be there with us!!

Keyboard is working again...woo hoo!!

2007-07-13T00:06:00.000-05:00

Well, we had a slight computer glitch over the past few weeks, so now I am back in business.

A lot happens in a short amount of time. First, I was finally able to hold a baby. Jen my prego buddy (Sawyer who is a little over a month older than AJ) has been a trooper through all of this with me. It has been so hard for me to see Sawyer for the longing of what should be with AJ. The last week of June, I saw Sawyer for a few brief moments. I was able to touch his back and say "hi" but was devastated for HOURS afterwards. A week later on the 4th, Jen grabbed my hand and took me to the back bedroom to hold Sawyer. She had warned me that it was coming, but I still didn't know how I would do.

I took Sawyer into my arms. For a moment, I felt like I stopped breathing. I held him out and began to talk to him. He laughed and giggled and cooed and talked. Jen stood there in amazement at how much he talked and our instant connection. It was if AJ was talking to me through Sawyer..."don't cry mommy, I'm happy and safe".

Peace and sadness and comfort all at once. Sawyer will always be our reminder of our little man that isn't here. We are blessed to have great friends like Jen and Sean that will be patient with us as we cry and love on Sawyer over the coming years. He may never really understand how much seeing him grow up will be of the utmost importance to us, but someday we will tell him how much strength, peace and courage he provided at just 5 months of age.

Eli is just growing like a weed and talking up a storm. He is SO big in all he says and does. I think we both take in every word and every day so much differently now. Dr Peters has given us the green light to start trying again when we are ready. God is in control, all we can do is pray He trusts us in His time with another miracle.

Thursday's

2007-07-05T13:56:00.000-05:00

It's weird, but everyone I know who has died in the last year has died on a Thursday. Last summer a young man from the church died on a Thursday. The following Thursday a friend from HS died. The following Thursday my cousin Joseph was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver.

AJ although officially was born on Friday morning, the whole process began on a Thursday night. My "work dad's" mother died on my birthday - a Thursday - a couple of weeks ago. And now - today - Thursday - my sweet dear grandpa B died in his sleep last night. It's just weird...

While he had been suffering from short term memory dementia for a while, he still knew who we were and could still tell the best stories of old. He loved to sing to Eli over the phone - always coming up with a new song to sing. He would tell Eli about the trains he used to drive and although Eli might not have quite understood it all, he told the stories so gentle and fun. He always said "I love you" before hanging up the phone. And like son like father, you could always catch him checking the back of his eyelids. I love to think of him singing to AJ all the sweet songs he has sung to Eli. My heart is broken for my dad - he loved him so. I am so tired of people dying, but I suppose it is part of life right? xoxo

Family

2007-07-01T16:52:00.000-05:00

Growing up, my mom taught me everything I needed to know about family. My "biological sperm donor" left when I was just 4, my brother a newborn baby and my sister was 10. Family was the MOST important thing.

She taught me to love unconditionally.
She taught me you don't say things that can hurt your family because they are all you have.
She taught me that just because the same blood doesn't run through our veins, friends are family and you should always treat them that way.
She taught me there is always room for one more head at the table and one more body for rest in our house.
She taught me that there isn't any'thing' in this world that can ever replace someone you love.

We didn't have much growing up - single mother with 3 mouths to feed. My mother gave up so much to provide for us and always had just a little bit more to provide to someone in need. She taught me how to be selfless.

When I think about all that God has blessed us with in life I don't think about our possessions. Instead I focus on the friends God has laid in our path, the love that we share and the family - the family of God that we are in. Without God - without Jesus - our lives would be so dark. My mother taught me that too.

My family in this world is SO huge!! Thank you all for coming to us, thinking of us, and above all else - loving us unconditionally.

My most prized 'things' in life are my family and friends and now a small box of ashes on my dresser that reminds me everyday how precious life is and how blessed we are to know Jesus. Pick your battles and love one another...that's what MY mother taught me!!

Congratulations

2007-06-24T22:24:00.000-05:00

"I'm sorry for your loss"...what does that mean really?

Instead of being sad, we should be rejoicing in God's trust in us. When someone dies there is a peace that they are in a better place. We are selfish-sad and then we find peace. But when we lose our child, our outlook is so different. Why?

It can't be because we never got to know our child? Any mother can tell you that from the day you knew your were pregnant, you know the mannerisms of your child...troublemaker, gentle, easy going, active, smart, likes music, likes being read to, sleeper. AJ was a smart, gentle, easy going, music lover. He never caused any trouble, but he was a kinda picky eater...loved his fruits and veggies and limeades!!

All creatures of God are beautiful - He made man in His image. Even if we were never blessed to lay eyes on AJ, we knew he was beautiful (the Bible tells us so).

God allowed us to see our fully formed perfect son to show us what perfection is. Perfection that will last our lifetime - he will never get in trouble, he will never hurt our feelings, he will never break our hearts. While we are selfish and human, and would prefer to see all of AJ's firsts and even live through his disappointments in life, he fulfilled his purpose without the daily struggles and pain that we go through in this world.

With the loss of our child, God knows that a part of us is gone too. We cry. We hurt. We are sad. We lost, but look what we gain...an angel watching us each day, deeper understanding and appreciation for life, urgency to live life to the fullest, peace that can only come from God and above all God's trust that we will not fail Him to carry out His purpose.

Instead of saying "I'm sorry for your loss" to other families going through the loss of their child, I think I will now say, "Congratulations - I am sad for your loss. However, God has blessed you in a way that is incomprehensible to you or me. Believe in His greatness, surrender and let Him show you the way."

Comments

2007-06-20T16:10:00.000-05:00

Thank you for your comments and support...please leave your email address with you comment or at least your name so we know who it is from...We are so happy to see that our precious AJ's life is able to help and comfort others through our experience.

We praise God for our blessings!!

My piece of cake...

2007-06-20T15:52:00.001-05:00

Today I continue to feel abused and dejected about work. Well, good prevailed today through a random act of kindness.

A chocolate piece of cake appeared from a dear friend across campus. Through all of this, for a time, chocolate couldn't even make me feel better. But today...all of the hurt and pain delivered during my transition back to work was suspended while I sat and ate my cake.

Kindness from someone that I feel like I have known for years and could call for anything, but in reality barely know this person. Tears fell, but my heart was lifted and the chocolate infused. I am pretty sure it was the only smile I had today. Thank you DH for the smile... :)

Eleanor Roosevelt Wisdom

2007-06-18T14:30:00.000-05:00

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

Tailspin

2007-06-18T01:39:00.000-05:00

I imagine that when a pilot enters a tailspin the G-force and downward pressure on the body is terrifying and intense. It takes years of training to be able to endure this type of pressure and G-force action. Initially, I'm sure there is an amount of time in which the pilot feels this is the end, how can I recover? That is when the training kicks in and they begin using the tools in which they learned to help them recover and ultimately save the aircraft.

God is our trainer and ever since I was a young child I have been in training. It has been 10 days since I was trapped in a tailspin. It took 3 days for me to start to recover and 7 to land the plane.
The morning of the day I was verbally assaulted, I was so prayerful. A dear family in Arkansas had read our story and gained something out of it. To me, AJ had traveled to Arkansas in just 10 short weeks. I was thankful that God had used our story to help another family hurting. I was praying for peace for that family as they approached the one month anniversary of their child's death. Each time I connect with another family, I feel as though God is bringing us together because our children are playing together in heaven. We are honored to know the families of AJ's friends.

All my glory and praise had been to God that morning. The devil just couldn't stand it anymore, so he crept in and attacked. This wasn't just an attack that grazed the aircraft, it was a mortal attack that sent me into a tailspin. I spiraled down so quickly, I lost sight of the ground and the clouds. In retrospect, I wasn't prepared for an attack assuming I was in friendly territory. I had my guard down assuming I was in a safe place surrounded by friends. I was WRONG!!!

Devastated, hurt and mortally wounded, I didn't know what to do, where to go, or what to say. I was hurt more than when I first heard that AJ was not coming home with us. I was instantly in defense mode...no one attacks my child and gets away with it. I had forgotten all of my training and lost my focus.

Sunday morning service was written just for me I believe. Pastor Bill began his sermon asking the question, - 'how many of you have pictures on your refrigerator? If your house was on fire, what would you do your best to salvage and get out? Your pictures. They remind us of happy times, sad times, good times and bad. They are our memories and sometimes that's all we have. One of the things we find most important when taking a picture is that it is in focus...are you living your life in focus with God?' I sat there and cried, God knows my hurt caused by this person. He knew my focus was lost during my tailspin caused by her words. He knew I was struggling to remember and focus on my training to bring me out. He was talking directly to me...'focus Amber'.

Pastor Bill touched on many things that morning. Wounded, I hung on every word desperately seeking to understand how someone could act this way knowing I was defenseless to her attack. At one point, Bill said, "It's not about me, it's all about Jesus." It was if the clouds had parted and the sun began to shine on me again. Duh...I was focused on the wrong things.

I recounted this story to several people of the next few days, each time gaining new perspective on the situation. All were shocked someone could say something like that to me. All reinforced to me that I am in "survival" mode and I need to do anything and everything to survive. All lifted me up in prayer.

On Thursday (one week from the attack), my final perspective came while talking to another mother from MEND. I trembled as I recounted the events to her fearing that I would mortally wound her just by hearing the words that were said to me. I told her about how God had blessed me through the sermon on Sunday and that I was praying for direction and to regain my focus. As I told her about how the devil had captured my soul for those few days and attempted to bring me down and control me, she stopped me and in essence handed me the final piece to this puzzle. She said, "Amber - God allowed this attack on you for a reason. He needed you to be broken and in the place you were to receive His message on Sunday." My plane was landed at that moment.

For the first 10 weeks following AJ's death, it has been all about me...all about Al...all about our family. God is ready for us to now focus on Him. Remember His training. Mount up on eagles and fly. Go and do the work He has for us. Perhaps He is strengthening me because of the great plans He has for me. Or perhaps this storm has just begun?

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I will not pretend to be brave. I will not pretend to have all the answers. I will not guarantee there will not be another tailspin. But I will be better prepared to deal with it.

Philipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

God moves mountains - I have seen it in the past. Lord move this mountain or move me. Guard my heart Lord. Hold my tongue. Repair my wounded spirit and bleeding heart.

Once again I am ready to close this post and I find myself on http://www.bible.com/ . Today's devotional is Proverbs 19. Wow...He knows - Lord Move!!!

A Picture of Grace

2007-06-13T03:25:00.000-05:00

If I was not to know my son,
God would not have given him.
Though short amount of time I had,
it leads me now to grin.

A tiny life so given to me,
to help me through my days.
Days sometimes dark and sunless,
He helps to guide my ways.

Jesus holds him tight I'm sure, as he now would roll the world.
Oh how I long to hold him, instead into life I'm hurled.

Like learning how to breathe, to walk again we're learning.
Each breath, each step, painful and yet, to see Him is a yearning.

You can't get much closer to God, than when He calls your child.
Come home and make a place, my son, in the heavens you run wild.

I imagine him with many friends, life of the cloud on which he sits.
With the sweetest smile of all, and as loving as it gets.

Each day brings me closer, to the promise of His land.
For when I stand before Jesus, I know AJ's in his hand.

He will hand me back my baby, who just might be a man.
For in his prime I will know my son, I will hold his perfect hand.

The process is quite simple, yet painful here on the earth.
Jesus is the purpose, as we each await our birth.

Our new life in heaven, where there is no pain or fears.
Reunited for eternity, void of all sadness and tears.

A picture now I carry, to remind me of his face.
The precious life God gave me, to remind me of His grace.

Sticks and Stones...

2007-06-08T05:27:00.000-05:00

I thought it would be impossible to hurt as badly again as I did the weeks after AJ's death. I thought I had felt every emotion, been asked every question, hurt as deeply as I could hurt.

At work yesterday though words were said to me that placed a dagger through my already constantly bleeding heart. I felt like dying the moments following these hateful words. Words that came from someone that I thought had an ounce of humility and a christian heart. It was just as if AJ died all over again as that dagger entered my heart and I was left alone to bleed to death.

All the progress that I have made to this point seems gone. I can't sleep, I feel like throwing up all the time, I can't quit crying, I have that hopeless empty feeling and constant thoughts of "what am I supposed to do now?" She is not loosing sleep...she is not crying...she is too busy making it all about her. What about me? MY baby died. MY heart is broken. MY world is devastated because of her words all over again.

It is 5:18 in the morning. In 10 minutes it will be exactly 10 weeks ago that I held my baby for the first time and was told that it would be the last. I don't know what to do...I don't know where to go... I just don't know.... the numbness has set back in...how can anyone be so cruel?

Breathe...

2007-06-06T13:27:00.000-05:00

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:6-7

Back at work

2007-06-06T08:28:00.000-05:00

The night before I returned I was devastated. I cried and cried at the thought of having to go and socialize. Return to the chaos. I laid down thinking Eli was already asleep and he heard my cry. He ran his fingers through my hair repeatedly saying, "I love you mommy, why are you sad? Do you miss your baby angel mommy, you miss AJ? I'm so sorry mommy." He was so sweet and so pure, the honesty of his words touched me so deeply. I fell asleep somewhere in prayer around 2:30.

Eli was awake at 5:30 in the morning - that NEVER happens. We are usually lucky to drag him out of bed at 10:00 in the morning. He returned to running his fingers through my hair and say "I love you mommy. It's wake time mommy." I woke up to a peace that only God could place in my soul. As I started getting ready to leave, I fell apart!

Day one was HARD!! Getting there and in the building was the hardest part. Everyone so loving and supportive - Except HR. My one source of frustration this entire time has been getting letters, emails and messages from HR. In the grief process - my anger was directed at that. I just kept thinking - LEAVE ME ALONE...!!!

Monday - upon my return, in an attempt to understand what was done with my time, my anger and frustration was a monster in my day. On the phone with someone from HR - with little mental capacity to even be at work - I was barked at and snapped at and broken down to complete devastation again. This person was talking so fast, so short and curt with no compassion at all - I just wanted to go home never to return for fear of dealing with people that don't get it. This person knows me, I thought to myself, knows my baby died...how could they act this way? How could they be so cold and cruel? Just because I am physically here doesn't mean I am "here".

I left feeling defeated and broken. All of the kindness shown by my coworkers will be the only thing that brings me back every day.

Work...

2007-06-02T16:52:00.000-05:00

I have to return to work on Monday...I am not ready.

At home I can limit my social interaction. I don't have to talk if I don't want to. I don't have to open the door if I don't want to. I don't have to go anywhere if I don't want to. I can choose who and when to see - when I'm ready to see them.

But I have to go back to work and I'm scared. The Amber that was...is no more. The confident, outgoing, outspoken, OCD Amber - is now quiet, broken and hurting. What if all I can do is cry? What if I say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time? I am not strong enough to be strong for anyone else. I can't remember to do simple things, how am I supposed to be able to run an office and be the problem solver? What if people don't trust me to do my duties or ignore me and the fact I had AJ? What if????

So many people tell me that they admire my strength and faith. I am not strong...it is Christ giving me the strength to get through each moment of each day. He carries me through each emotion and each moment.

I know that He will be guiding me through my days back at work. Lord, give me strength when I have none. Restore my light, my confidence, my focus. Guide others when approaching me, give them words of peace and hearts of help and understanding.

AJ - we miss you so much. Our hearts physically ache and so do our arms to hold you. Shine bright my little star so that we may see you through the clouds at night. We love you always!!

Our Angel in Waiting...

2007-05-16T23:16:00.000-05:00

Our Angel in Waiting

Your hands so tiny,
yet so strong just like your dad.
He holds me so tight,
we are both ever so sad.
Someday we will tell your brother,
of the miracle that you are.
We will look up in the heavens
and see your shining star.
We know that Jesus cradles you
and sees your beautiful eyes.
We will find comfort in that,
when we look up to the skies .
Our precious angel in waiting,
watching us each day.
Giving us the strength to live,
and peace each night we pray.

We love you AJ!
Mommy & Daddy

The Ultimate Dedication

2007-05-13T00:14:00.000-05:00

As I start this, it's 5 minutes to Mother's Day. A day in which I should be showing off my new 6 week old baby boy. A day we are dedicating Eli at church...we should be dedicating both of our boys at church tomorrow. A day in which I should be celebrating being a mother. Instead I am filled with so many other emotions it's hard to sort through them...

I called my best friend to help. She lost her mother several years ago and I knew she would be an inspiration to me at this time. She empathized with me that tomorrow will be VERY hard, but it is a celebration. Not only for Eli's dedication, but she gave me the perspective that we have already made the "ultimate" dedication to God through AJ. While I am eXtremely selfish and want AJ here, she is right. God gave him to us for those beautiful 9 months and we should spend the years ahead thanking Him for that time and for saving him from this broken world.

It will be an honor to stand in the front of the church tomorrow - Mother's Day- and dedicate Eli...but I physically ache for AJ. The celebration in my broken heart for Eli will be coupled with the pain of my empty arms. My tears full of mixed emotion. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

God I pray for peace, comfort, help, strength, and above all HOPE. It's so hard to hope right now. I want so badly to be strong again - but I'm not. My emotions are running in so many directions - I need peace. I pray - in our lives Your will be done - but we cannot do it alone. God please continue to carry us...

As I get ready to close this, I look over at my daily calendar for May 13th. The inspiration reads:
Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations. ~ St. Francis de Sales

It's amazing...I prayed the prayer above as I typed it...I was ready to post this and looked over at that calendar which I hadn't flipped since January. May 13th read that. I am in AWE once again as He answers prayers - sometimes instantly.

Happy Mother's Day to ALL! Mommy & Daddy Love you AJ and I'm so proud to me your Mother!!!!!!!!

Support Group - MEND

2007-05-12T23:50:00.000-05:00

I have to give kudos for our support group MEND. It is so helpful to have a place to go to talk and relate to others who are living what we are living. It's the one place we can talk without the other people feeling uncomfortable about our loss (which is a whole other issue - why do people feel uncomfortable??? Is it because people fear death??? Fear making us cry???). It's the one place we are not alone in our thoughts and emotions.

One thing that was said at this past meeting by a wonderful woman who lost her son in January is this...we are all part of an elite group chosen by God to endure what He endured...the loss of His child. That has really stuck with me and will carry me through some of my most difficult times ahead. He does know our pain and He holds our tears in His hands. Thank you Norma for your words of wisdom...I will cherish them forever!!

5 weeks and I'm still numb

2007-05-05T01:13:00.000-05:00

I am having another sleepless night...

It amazes me how exhausting it is to grieve. I think I am doing better and then BAM - tears. I think I can make a decision and then BAM - nothing. I can barely hold my eyes open at the end of the day and then BAM - I'm wide awake as soon as my head hits the pillow.

I have a hard time remembering me. For the last 9 months I was "us". I feel like "me" is missing... How to explain this feeling??? When I make one of my cakes - that is "me" before it was "us" so there I find peace in who "I" was. When I think about work though - all I can think about is "us" because that is where "we" were for the last 9 months - anxiously awaiting the day.

It is also weird because some people don't see AJ as real. So many people refer to this as a miscarriage. We have 4 family members - one just died. We have 2 children - one on earth and one in heaven. I suppose it is because to some since they never saw or held AJ - he wasn't "real". I did not have a miscarriage...he was born still at 39 weeks. He is real...and this pain is real...and I'm still numb.

Control

2007-04-30T02:12:00.001-05:00

Most of you know that I am OCD. I strive for perfection in anything I do. I try to control outcomes by planning and organizing the world around me. On March 26th when I went to see Dr Peters for my normal visit, I told him I liked the control that I seemed to have when Eli was born. I went to the hospital, they gave me drugs, I didn't feel anything, we had a baby and the world was good. We knew what to expect. I didn't like the not knowing when I would go into labor with AJ. Was this pain or that ache the moment I had waited for? When contractions started, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that these were the real deal. How quickly the reality hit that we are NOT in control.

I have never felt more out of control in my life. I have lost a month of my life trying to regain control of my emotions, my surroundings, my life. A million things race through my mind...I constantly ask "what is Your plan for my life" - this is certainly not the plan I had.

I have several talents and passions in life - am I supposed to be following them? Am I wasting time that has been given to me because I too afraid to take a leap of faith? hummmm... God is using this time to make me surrender to His will - I just hope I am brave enough to follow.

It snowed in April in Texas

2007-04-30T01:46:00.000-05:00

The morning of the memorial service Al and I were getting ready. It was an overcast day with rain predicted. We turned on the news to hear a story about a woman who took police on a high speed chase in Dallas - she crashed the car ejecting her 9 month old baby (who was in the front seat without a car seat) killing her. I said a prayer for that baby and the family.

Once I was ready I sat down on the couch in the living room and I prayed that God would allow us to see AJ that day. Allow us to know that he is there with You safe from all harm of this fallen world. As we were preparing for the service at the church my sister walked in and said, "it's snowing. It's April in Texas and it's snowing!" Al and I rushed outside - I looked up as the snow fell on my face and said thank you to God for allowing us to see AJ. Snow took on a whole new meaning that day. The funeral home director asked me if "I ordered this" and I replied, "actually I did". It was a very special order.

As we got in the car to go to the church that morning, I again prayed that as I turned on the radio the song would be a song of comfort and reassurance that God was with us. The song on the radio was Casting Crowns - "Praise you in this storm". We had never heard this song before and it spoke volumes to us that morning.

Lyrics:
I was sure by now, That You would have reached down, and wiped our tears away, Stepped in and saved the day. But once again I say Amen and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you", and as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am, Every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand, You never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when, I stumbled in the wind, You heard my cry, You raised me up again. My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on, If I can't find You.

I life my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

Looking back at that day and the hurt and pain we were going through, we know that God was with us every step of the way. He never leaves our side and He holds our tears in His hands...

Don't ask why

2007-04-30T01:25:00.000-05:00

So many people have said they just keep asking God - Why? My response to that is this...

Don't ask God why...this was part of his plan from the beginning. God is not doing this "to" us - He is doing it "with" us. He knows how much this hurts. He holds all of our tears in His hands. He is our strength. God protected us in so many ways over the last 9 months knowing that this was His plan. I look back at those 9 months and am amazed that God is that good. We would have never stopped to fully appreciate His work had the outcome been different. But that is His plan.

So far, AJ's life has shown us the abundance of love of our family and friends. We know that broken relationships have been mended. We have had the opportunity to visit with people we would never know and those we may have lost touch with. We hope to be able to help others going through a similar situation in the future. We have grown closer as a husband and wife and as a family. We are growing closer to God daily.

Do's and Don'ts

2007-04-29T22:45:00.000-05:00

I'm kinda ripping this one off of another family's blog from support group...great idea!

Friends and family want to help. The support we have received has been amazing and we are awe of everyone's generosity and prayers. Unfortunately, we are not the best at making decisions in life right now (well - Al is doing pretty good - me not so much) so when someone asks what we need - I don't know what to say. Here are some ideas on how to help.

First of all - DO pray for us. DO hug your children, grandchildren or someone else. Life is short and we are NOT in control.

Don't leave personal relationships torn or tattered. Say what you need to NOW...and tell people you Love them.

Do continue to call, email, send cards and come by. We need to know you are still thinking of us. It's only been 4 weeks and we are still on an emotional and physical roller coaster. Any contact is better than no contact.

Don't be offended if we don't call you back or don't want to talk when you call. Please call again and be ready when we do need to talk, cry or get out.

Do continue to send meals - again we can hardly make a decision about if we are going to eat - making the decision of what is a real "humdinger". If Eli didn't have to eat, we might not even eat at all some days. Common sense tells us we have to keep our strength up - but grief can sometimes override common sense.

Don't say "at least you have/haven't". A very painful mistake to make is to say something along of the lines well at least you still have Eli, health, one another, God, etc. In our painful and sometimes irrational state we might respond in a not so nice way. We would trade anything to have AJ back, but we don't and the "at leasts" don't help.

Do talk about AJ. Ask questions - if we can't or are not ready to talk about something, we will tell you. We are proud of AJ. His life was precious and his birth cherished.

Don't pretend that nothing happened or tell us when we should be back to "normal". Life will never be normal again. We will never be the same as we were before. Don't be surprised if we aren't "ourselves" - God changed us for the better.

Do help. Sometimes instead of "let me know what I can do to help" say "let me take care of this for you". Remember - decisions are not a strong point in a situation like this. Sometimes we don't know what we need help with...it's ok to be bossy if you feel we need it. But be ok if we don't accept right away - we may be having an ok day and have things in order at the moment. Be ready to jump in when we need you.

Do offer to take Eli for an evening so we can be alone. We need time to help heal one another and spend time talking, crying or just being together. Eli doesn't understand why mommy and daddy are sad or crying. We try to be strong for him, but we have to have time to let it out as well.

Please continue to be prayerful, supportive and willing to help if we need you. We love all of our friends and family and will continue to need you in the weeks, months and years ahead.

If you wish to make a contribution to a charity in AJ's name we are requesting that you donate to www.mend.org (MEND - Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death - a wonderful support group) or to the First Baptist Chruch Daycare (Eli's school). You can visit http://www.ultimatetributes.com/tributes/intro.asp?ID=2404 to sign his memory book if you wish.

An Epiphany...

2007-04-29T22:12:00.000-05:00

Today at church we discussed the fact that if you listen and pay attention to the things God is doing in your life - then you begin to see how much He is actually doing. I have to believe that all of the babies and pregnant women we see everywhere we go is part of His plan.

This is one of those situations in life in which friends who have recently had a baby or are pregnant have a sobering reality check - appreciate every day you have with your children (in the womb and out)!!!. We want those of you who have had a baby or are pregnant to talk to us...don't avoid us...but understand that it will be HARD for us. We are happy and excited for you. We might cry...we might not be ready to hold your baby...not because we don't necessarily want to, but our arms ache to hold AJ (Yes they physically ache). It's not fair to your baby for us to hold them and burst into tears...

So on to my epiphany for today. God is placing all of the babies and pregnant women in our path as a part of His plan to restore our hope. Seriously - at lunch today there were 6 tables in a small place - crowed restaurant - and one table had a pregnant woman, 2 had newborn babies and another with a probably 6 month old. There was no where else to sit in the entire place and so we sat there. I tried so hard to to cry all the way through lunch. A couple of times I welled up - but I resisted breaking down. I left and began thinking about the situation. At the time I sat there feeling somewhat sorry for myself that AJ wasn't with us at that moment. How badly I want to hold a baby again without bursting into tears. But as I began looking to God for "why can't we go anywhere without being surrounded by that which is a constant reminder of our loss" - I realized that maybe He is using these situations to restore our hope. Hope that we may go on to have another child in the future. Hope that we will be able to help others going through (or who will go through) this same situation in life. Hope that we will again be able to hold a baby without crying. Hope IS part of His plan.

Our Story - Let Go and Let God

2007-04-28T18:07:00.000-05:00

Let go and let God - some of the best advise we have ever been given. God is in control and we are desperately looking to Him now for hope. We know that this is one of those situations in which one is curious about the details - but afraid to ask. We cherish the precious birth of our baby and want to share the details just as we would had he survived. The following is an account of the events of AJ's birth and the day God called him home.

March 29th
The day was just as any other to this point...Al and Eli went off to work and school and I went off to the office to start the day with a staff meeting. I wish I could tell you anything that was discussed, but by the time I got to the office I was more focused on could today be the day? I had gone home not feeling "great" the previous day and continuing to have minor contractions. About half way through the staff meeting, I got a waive of nausea and hot flash. I quickly got a cool rag and laid down in the hall trying to be tough and not alarm anyone. I asked one of the nurses to take my blood pressure - it was good. Went to the bathroom and was spotting a little so I called the doctor and made an appointment to go in at 11:15. I made all final arrangements at the office - I was certain that I wasn't coming back - it was time!

I went in to see the doctor and was dilated to a 2 and the cervix was "changing". The heartbeat we heard was strong (of course we know now it was my heartbeat) so I went home to rest some more. Ate a sandwich, watched soaps and took a nap. Around 4:30 I woke up with contractions coming about every 15-18 minutes. Said a prayer that they wouldn't stop - I was ready for AJ to come. Al & Eli got home around 6:00 and we ate some cereal (I wasn't very hungry) but needed to eat a little something. Contractions continued to get closer and stronger - yea this is it. Al took Eli to mom's house and I finished packing the bags. It was raining. The contractions got to be about every 6 minutes around 11:00 so we decided to load and go.

March 30 (12:47am)
We got to the hospital with contractions about every 3-4 minutes. Got off of the elevator to see the nursery right in front of us. One of the nurses was holding up a baby as she wrapped him up...holding Al's hand - I said, "Oh my gosh - we are having another baby". Reality hit at that moment for some reason. We walked around to the nurses station and told the group of nurses that we were ready to have a baby...and I want a good room this time - last time I had the smallest room on the floor (laughing and teasing of course). They admitted me and put us in a nice big room and asked me to put the gown on and they would hook me up to the monitor. I did as they asked and got in the bed. Heidi was our nurse and she began looking for AJ's heartbeat with the monitor. After several minutes she said she was going to go get a different monitor. The batteries were dead in that monitor. She went for another. Again after listening for a few minutes, she said let me go get another nurse - maybe I'm just in the wrong place. Angela came in and began listening. Small talk was going on - I kept saying the heartbeat was good in her office at 11:15 this morning. Maybe he is just laying in an odd spot. Then Angela said the first of what would be thousands of "I'm so sorries". It took me a minute for what she said to register and I replied, "What do you mean you are sorry - you think the baby is dead?" she looked back at me with elephant tears and said, "I'm afraid so".

I began shaking - Al and I holding hands as tightly as we could hold - he looked at me and trying to keep me calm - said, "wait until they get the sono up here - wait until Dr B gets here." I looked at Heidi and said get Dr B here now - she assured me she was on her way. This can't be happening - 30 minutes ago we were having a baby - Eli is expecting a brother...This can't be happening...

Numbness set in quickly as the sono tech arrived and began setting up her machine - she said it would take 4 minutes and I think those 4 minutes were the longest - confirmation that our baby is gone before we even had a chance to look into his eyes. The tech, Heidi and Al could see the sono screen and they all stood there in silence. I broke the silence and said, "someone has to say something". The tech said she didn't know what the protocols were in L&D - I looked at Heidi and said Heidi - "tell me". She asked the tech if there was any movement - her reply was "no movement - no heartbeat - no fluid." He was gone...I laid my head on the pillow and said, "God - you are in control - deal with this". I can't imagine ever forgetting that moment in time...I pray I never do. We had 38 weeks (almost a full 39) with AJ. His little life has and will continue to change the world around us.

Dr B arrived trying to be strong with elephant tears being held back as best as she could. She held my hand and cried with us - she said she thinks the heartbeat we heard at noon was mine - not his. The questions began - do I want to be awake? - sedated/fuzzy? - out? - do we want an autopsy? - do we want to hold him? - do we want they to take him away to give him his bath or do it in the room? - do we want to see the chaplain before we deliver? - do we want them to take pictures?

We answered the questions without the slightest comprehension of what we were answering. NO - I don't want to miss a minute of this - don't give me anything that might compromise my memory. Do we need an autopsy? (Wait to see if there are any obvious causes.) Of course we want to hold him - (I remember thinking are you crazy?) he's our baby. Keep him in the room with us - I don't want him out of my sight. Yes we want to see the chaplain. Yes please take pictures.

They started my epidural. I was shaking so badly - they gave me some Demerol. Then they left us alone in a dim room with our tears. God's plan - we don't understand how this could be part of God's plan...but it is. We talked about what to tell Eli - we were both very focused on Eli and our families...how do we tell our families? Mostly we cried and held each other. I called work around 3:00 so the phone wouldn't start ringing when I didn't show up at 8:00. Al called and tried to reach his boss as well. We had no idea what to expect in the hours ahead.

At 3:30 the chaplain came in and spoke with us - prayed with us and for us.

At 4:28 they came in and started the ptosin. With a deep breath I realized I still had to deliver the child I would never know. They checked me and I was at about a 5. I asked for a bolus in the epidural and more Demerol as I had begun shaking again. Dr B said she wanted me to labor the baby down as low as possible so I wouldn't have to push for a long time. At 4:55 I told Heidi I thought it was time. Just as she was about to check me, she was called out of the room. Heidi and Dr B came in about 5:10 and it was time. I pushed 2 times (with several breaths to each "bear down") and he was here. As AJ came out I could see a perfect knot in the cord in the reflection of Dr B's glasses. At about that time, she said, "it was the cord - it's around his neck and there is a knot." 5:28 am - She looked up at me and asked me if I wanted him on my stomach. I said yes...and there he was...our perfect - 10 finger (hands just like daddy's) - 10 toes (feet just like Eli) - brown hair (just like mine) - 6 lbs 6 oz - 19 1/2" long - ANGEL.